Clop it!
by StarlightTriumph
Summary: This is not a clop fic. Twilight Sparkle and her friends awaken to find themselves far from home, being held captive by their ruler. Princess Celestia insists that the fate of Equestria rests upon their treatment, but it quickly becomes apparent that her motives might be very different than what she claims. Mysteries abound, but can our heroines survive... Straight Camp?
1. Chapter 1

Clop It!  
_  
By PrettyMonster_

_With editing by SerenityViewer_

Twilight Sparkle awoke to find her head throbbing in misery. Fearing for the state of her mouth, she attempted to reclaim her tongue with a cursory probe. Nothing happened. No amount of effort could peel the dried-up sponge occupying her throat off the lifeless roof of her mouth.

A blurry star sat in the center of her vision, in open defiance of her firmly clenched eyelids. Opening them was unthinkable, it would only expose her sensitive pupils to more terrible, burning light. If a hang over felt like this, she couldn't imagine why anypony ever drank.

Shoving that thought in the back of her mind, Twilight gradually realized she was lying awkwardly on a cold wooden floor. She put all of her efforts into remembering why.

The day had started off wonderfully enough. Princess Celestia was coming to Ponyville on a casual visit! Twilight had spent nearly a month putting together a casual royal welcome, which meant preparing for every contingency. She had been ready for anything.

Nothing had gone wrong. No matter-eating swarms, no Fluttershy picking the wrong day to abduct the royal pet, just Twilight and her friends having the times of their lives with their wonderful ruler.

_But what had happened after that?_

Her heart sank into the pit of her stomach when she realized that she had no answer to that question. For a month she'd been dreaming and planning that morning to the point where she had excluded all her other interests, and now the memories she yearned for were gone.

It was the day she had hoped to tell her Princess everything. She might not have gone through with it in the end; after all, she hadn't the last time, or the time before. But now she'd never know.

Her memories seemed to cut off sometime in the morning, so Twilight focused on finding the exact moment her recollections stopped, and perhaps discover why her memory was foggy. If nothing else it would delay opening her eyes for another few moments.

Lets see . . .

She remembered waking up. After that had come the morning rituals accompanied by a 'snack' breakfast, in order to to save room for brunch with the princess. She had then consulted her checklist to remind her which sub-checklists she was supposed to consult, and then consulted each of them to review the preparations she had already completed the night before.

If only she could start every day of her life that way.

Then Celestia had arrived, and everyone in town had crowded around to greet her. Twilight had gotten so sidetracked upon gazing at that radiant beacon of perfection, that they were nearly ten seconds behind schedule by the time she recovered.

She hadn't cared.

As a group, Twilight and her friends had chatted and walked with the Princess to Le Gourmet De Prance. Twilight had already booked a reservation, double-booked a reservation, and called in every day for the past month to confirm both of her reservations, so she knew a table would be waiting for them. Even though the establishment was usually deserted in the morning, it never hurt to be prepared.

After they were seated, Princess Celestia had ordered tea for the group. She remembered blowing on it to cool it down, taking her first sip, and then feeling extremely . . . drowsy? The world had swirled and darkened, and that was her final moment of consciousness until now . .

That's when everything clicked for her.

She had been ponynapped. Princess Celestia had likely been ponynapped as well, no doubt the primary target of the attack. She was suddenly very glad that she hadn't opened her eyes, as her only hope now lay in that her abductors wouldn't realize she was conscious. She had perhaps one chance to surprise them, escape, and rescue Celestia. The two of them could then aid the rest of her friends, if they had also been targeted by the attack.

Already Twilight could imagine how the two would bond over the countless scenarios of danger and excitement, growing close in ways that they never could in their respective roles as teacher and student. Just as Twilight's thoughts returned to the familiar debate of whether she and the princess should first make love under a freezing waterfall, or in the royal bedchamber atop a mattress sprinkled with rose petals, her abductor made its presence known.

A hoof rested on her shoulder, a sure prelude to some thug or minion hefting her over brawny shoulders to carry her elsewhere. It would be a perfect, yet fleeting opportunity to overpower her captor and free herself. She held her breath, waiting for her imminent abduction, but the hoof did not grip her body. Instead it slid along her barrel, fondling her skin until it rested on her flank. Then it began to creep towards her haunches.

Her captor wasn't taking her anywhere.

A muzzle pressed against her own. Adrenaline powered through her body, fueled by shock and disgust. Twilight abandoned her plan of waiting for the right moment to strike. She was going to make her stand right here, right now. Win or lose, there was no bucking way that she'd let some lackey take her maidenhood when it had been reserved for years for another special pony.

After all, one day Celestia would finally open her eyes, see what they had together, and throw Twilight Sparkle to the ground and ravish her. Celestia willing (or very willing as the case may be), Twilight would either see that day a virgin or a corpse.

Given the choices, remaining a virgin sounded much less creepy.

Twilight opened her eyes and immediately screamed.

"AAAHHHHHHHHH," replied Fluttershy. Her wings and hooves were tangled with Twilight in a yellow and purple mess.

They both tried to break away at the same time, which only made their position even more compromising as Fluttershy slid forward unto Twilight's back. At last Twilight seized Fluttershy in a telekinetic field, jerked her away, and then respectfully deposited her in front of the unicorn.

Twilight's cheeks were flushed and her mouth hung half-open. "Fluttershy! WHAT. THE. HAY?!"

Fluttershy crouched down and hid beneath her mane, managing to blush even redder than Twilight." Oh my, I'm so very sorry, I really didn't mean that, it's just that I didn't know you were sleeping next to me, and sometimes when I'm in bed with somepony else I get... just a teeny bit grabby."

"Grabby? Fluttershy, your tongue was halfway down my throat!"

"I'm so sorry Twilight, but I also get tongy. Umm... that's perfectly normal, isn't it? You've probably read that in a book somewhere?"

Twilight blinked. "As it happens, I've researched sleepwalking and unusual nocturnal behavior during the six years that I suffered from it, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that tongy isn't a word."

"It's not? Well I was just trying to put it concisely Twilight. How are you supposed to describe it when a mare gets a little too adventurous with her tongue? Com-completely by accident of course."

"Well maybe nobody has needed a word like that, because nobody has orally violated their close friend often enough to need one!"

Fluttershy raised her head up and frowned. Though usually a timid mare, she could always tap into a reservoir of assertiveness when she needed it.

"Look Twilight," she said flatly, "can you stop for just one second to think about how I might feel about all this? I mean, if I really wanted to, I think I could do just a teeny bit better. Not that I umm... don't think you're... nice..."

"You could... what?" Alarm bells blazed through the unicorn's mind. "What's that supposed to-—"

"You heard her!" interrupted by Rainbow Dash, who had awoken after being disturbed by the quarrel and now stood protectively before Fluttershy. "So whatever's got a twist on your horn, just lay off it ok?" It was only then that Dash began to examine her surroundings. Twilight did so as well, curiosity replacing her shock and eager to see just where they were.

There wasn't much to see. The floor was polished mahogany, illuminated by the high-powered lamp that acted as a spotlight overhead. The bright light revealed that all of her friend were accounted for, and in various states of consciousness. She saw Rarity half-asleep and murmuring. Lying beside her was Applejack, cradling the white unicorn and using her stetson hat to fan her. Pinkie was...

On closer examination, Twilight didn't see or hear Pinkie Pie anywhere. Normally, the sugar-coated mare was noticeable even from outer space. Just as her reeling mind wrapped around this worrisome fact, another light came on. It revealed Pinkie Pie, and one of two ponies that made Pinkie easy to ignore just by her presence.

Princess Celestia.

"Hello my little ponies," the princess said, each word gentle and comforting.

"Princess!" cried everyone but Rarity, who was still on her back and muttered something along the lines of 'prenshush.'

Twilight rushed over to Celestia's side and began nuzzling her chest (one of the few platonic areas she could reach on the huge goddess). She moved around her, showering affection on the royal alicorn even as she inspected every inch of the powerful mare's toned physique. She stood on her hind legs and unfurled Celestia's wing with her hooves, inspecting each feather.

"Are you alright?" she demanded. "Did they hurt you? Oh, if they hurt you I swear I am going to buck them to the moon myself!"

"Woah there bronco," said Applejack, clamping onto Twilight's neck with her mouth and dragging her gently away much, as if she were a kitten. "I don't know what sort of 'they' you're referring to, but if you're thinkin' we've been ponynapped, then I don't need ta know how to count to see that it don't add up. And do you mind simmering down a bit? I ain't worked out what kind of setting we're in exactly, but a lil' royal dec . . . dac-—"

"Decorum."

"Thanks Fluttershy. A little decorum wouldn't hurt." Applejack turned to the alicorn. "Now Princess, can ya tell us exactly what's going on?"

Princess Celestia nodded. "You've been ponynapped."

"What?!"

"As I thought," said Twilight, unable to contain her smugness.

"By me," finished Celestia.

"What?!"

Rainbow Dash stepped forward beside Applejack. "Princess, why would you ponynap us?"

Twilight nodded as well. "If you needed us for something then you could have asked, Princess. I mean, you know that I'd do anything for you right?" Celestia raised a brow at this. "We," she corrected quickly, "I think I can speak for all of us here when I say that we'd do anything for you. I mean, whisking us away like this without our consent, it almost makes it seem like you're planning on doing something naughty, Princess." Twilight blushed and giggled. "Which is ludicrous of course, since I know you'd never do anything of that nature. Not to say that I'd be totally opposed to the idea on the off chance you were..."

Princess Celestia cleared her throat and interrupted Twilight's ramblings. "I apologize for the unorthodox method of bringing you all together, but after Princess Luna's visit to your village on Nightmare Night, we both began to suspect, and have recently confirmed a suspicion. Each of you needs to be treated at once."

At this Pinkie began hopping around with joy. "Yippee! I love treats!"

"Treated as in 'treatment,' Pinkie Pie. It's the kind of treat you're not going to like."

Pinkie landed and tilted her head in confusion. "Huh? Why wouldn't I like a treat?"

"Now hold yer Apples," said Applejack, lifting her head up high. "If what you're implying is that any of us are sick, then I'm proud to inform you that I'm as hale as a Honeycrisp tree, thank's for askin.' Now if that's all, I'll just be headin' back to-"

"No no, I wouldn't say that any of you are sick, per se. That would be too harsh. I'd just suggest that you girls are at a stage in your lives where it's easy to be confused about your values and direction. You're susceptible to certain influences that I fear put you at risk of failing in your duties as the Elements of Harmony. As your Princess, I'm taking it upon myself to personally see to your counseling."

Applejack looked from Rainbow to Twilight, both of whom just shrugged at her. "What in tarnation's that supposed to mean?" She asked, turning back to the princess.

"Means shthinksh wegey." Everyone turned to Rarity. Applejack moved to help her rise but Rarity touched her hoof to Applejack's mouth and pushed her back. "Water," she breathed as she stood under her own power.

Princess Celestia turned a faucet on in the darkness and levitated a glass to Rarity. She splashed it on her face, wetting her mane.

"Mirror."

Complying with the request again, Celestia levitated a small hand mirror to the unicorn. "Much obliged, your majesty. Now, comb, mouth wash, liner, and eyelash curlers please."

Applejack let out a snort of exasperation even as Celestia produced each requested object. "Land sakes! You're already fit enough to talk, tell us what you were tryin' to say!"

"I was tending to a fashion emergency," lectured Rarity, fussing over her hair as she studied her reflection in the mirror. "I cannot go the whole day with ponynap hair, now can I? But I apologize for keeping you waiting darling. As I was saying, Princess Celestia is suggesting that we are all filly-foolers."

"WHAT?!" cried everyone, except for Pinkie, who instead leapt into the air and shouted "YIPPEE!"

"Umm, Rarity, don't you think you're jumping to conclusions?"

"No, she's right Fluttershy," interjected Celestia. "I'm never sure whether or not I should just be direct in these situations." Celestia's horn glowed and the lights flickered on, revealing that they were in a well-furnished office sized for an alicorn. The walls were decorated with cheerful, yet ominous posters of colts and fillies holding hands, skipping around, and otherwise engaging in otherwise innocuous activities as the stern caricatures of Celestia and Luna loomed over them. Many were emblazoned with catchphrases such as 'Stay on the Straight!' and 'Cuddling is for Colts - NOT Stallions.'

"I know," said Rarity with a glum sigh, "because I've heard those words before. Back when I first came to... Straight Camp."

Everyone gasped, except for Pinkie who bounced up in joy again. "We're going to camp together? This is going to be so much fun!"

"No Pinkie," said Rarity with a mixture of apology and apathy. "It's not the kind of camp you're going to like."

Pinkie looked at Rarity as though she were crazy. "Why wouldn't I like camp?!"

Fluttershy approached the Princess humbly and bowed once more. "Princess, I hope you don't mind, but I'm finding all this a little confusing. I mean, even if I were a filly fooler, that wouldn't be a problem would it? Haven't you taught everyone that love is beautiful and should never be shunned, no matter what form it takes?"

"That's right Fluttershy, and I'm very glad you thought to point that out. Love is a beautiful thing, no matter what form it takes. Mare, stallion, or even a non-pony—the joining of two souls should be embraced by the entire community, and is one of the most joyous signs of harmony throughout the land."

Rarity cleared her throat. "Then why, exactly, are you taking an interest in the matter?"

"Because the Elements of Harmony don't work for fags. I've got to set each of you straight or Equestria is doomed."

Everyone gasped.

Twilight looked very much like she wanted to say something, so of course she did. "Princess. Don't think that I'm disputing your expertise on the magic of friendship, but I've researched it very thoroughly as well, and I'm pretty sure that what you're saying is complete—"

"So," said the Princess, expertly cutting Twilight off. "Shall I show you around?"

Rainbow Dash immediately did a wing-assisted leap that placed her upon the desk, puffing out her chest and glaring at the princess. "Hold on one moment. You've got to prove it!"

Celestia smiled quizzically. "Prove what, Rainbow Dash?"

"The whole reason why we're here is because you're saying we play on the all-filly team. But what if I told you that I'm straight?"

Pinkie Pie and Rarity giggled, while the others tried to keep straight faces with mixed success. Only Celestia was able to maintain absolute serenity.

"I'm serious!" Rainbow's gaze flattened. "Prove I'm gay, or I'm leaving."

Celestia replied demurely, but with a subtle warning in her voice. "Are you sure this is a path you wish to fly down, Rainbow Dash? The consequences could be difficult to bear."

Dash looked the ruler of Equestria dead in the eye. "Do your worst."

Celestia sighed, as if to say 'this is going to hurt me a lot more than it's going to hurt you,' and trotted around the desk, opening a middle drawer with her magic. She beckoned the group of friends closer as she produced a photograph and revealed it to her audience.

It was a picture of Rainbow Dash lying on top of the welcome sign at the entrance to Ponyville. She was giving the camera an enticing stare while holding a bunch of grapes in her hoof, flashing her teeth as her preparation to take the first delicate nibble was frozen in time. In contrast to her typical rough appearance, Rainbow's mane and hooves were expertly manicured and polished, and she was wearing a hot pink swimsuit.

There was a caption beneath the photo. _Ponyville: Gay Capital of Equestria._

Rainbow Dash contemplated the flyer for a few moments, the color draining from her face. She tried to speak a few times but only half-formed words came out. Eventually her head drooped and she slunk away, shamefaced. "Featherweight..." she whispered hoarsely as a tear fell to the floor. "H-he... said... THAT IT WAS A CALENDAR SHOOT!" At that she lost all semblance of control, and Applejack gave her a tight hug to comfort her as she bawled. "I just wanted to be Miss April," she murmured sadly against her friend's embrace.

"Well," said Celestia somberly after Dash had been given some time to calm down. "As much as it pained me to do that, the evidence was conclusive. Does anyone else care to challenge their sexual status?"

"Actually," said Twilight, "your evidence doesn't really-"

Celestia cleared her throat with a note of authority. "As inconclusive as my evidence was, the petitioner no longer wishes to dispute her status. Anyone else?"

Pinkie hopped forward, oblivious to her friends' reluctance. "Ooh ooh! Pick me! Me me me!"

Celestia looked thoughtfully at Pinkie. "Hmm, this might be a challenge. I don't believe I brought any evidence suggesting that you're gay, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie grinned. "Of course I am silly!"

Twilight cleared her throat nervously. "She's using the word in the modern sense Pinkie, not the archaic."

"Yep! This Pinkie's a homosexual!"

Celestia leaned in until her snout was inches away from Pinkies, a devious smile unleashed on her lips. "Prove it."

Without hesitation, Pinkie bounced over to Fluttershy, seized her hooves, and kissed her full on the lips. Fluttershy's wings shot out in an instant, though her eyes widened and she pulled away as soon as she had recovered from the initial shock.

"Ooh my," Fluttershy said weakly. "You taste like Bubblegum and also umm... that was tongy."

Twilight's eye twitched at that last word, while Rainbow Dash recovered from her melancholy long enough to wrap a protective hoof around Fluttershy and give Pinkie a simmering glare.

Celestia seemed oblivious to the tension, her gentle expression the same as always. "I think that's settled then. Who do we have next? How about... Rarity?"

A terrified smile quivered on Rarity's face and she furiously began shaking her head, but Celestia was having none of it. The imposing alicorn whipped out yet another piece of parchment from her desk, unfolding it and presenting it to the group.

It was a sketch of a corset and one-piece skirt. The margins around the drawing were dotted with scribbles of hearts and apples, and the notations made little secret about which details of the female pony anatomy the clothing's designer wanted to emphasize in every lurid detail.

"Ah don't get it... shouldn' that piece have a bottom?"

"Wow, those garters are flankless!" Pinkie bounced with excitement.

"Oh... oh my!" Fluttershy covered her eyes with her hooves, though it was rather obvious she was peeking.

Rarity's faced flushed red with fury and she tried to snatch the design away with her own magic, though the princess's mystical grip wouldn't budge in the slightest. "Princess!" she cried. "This is an outrage! I demand to know who revealed my private work to you!"

"That would be teeellliiing," sang Celestia while tucking the sketch back in the desk. Then she coughed loudly—a strange gesture since her divine lungs were free of imperfection—and whispered even louder, "Sweetie Belle."

"That. Foal. Is. Dead," growled Rarity, stalking back and forth while Celestia's eyes roamed over the rest of the group, selecting her next victim.

"And how about sweet little Fluttershy?" asked the Princess, stepping toward the quivering pegasus. Fluttershy backed up until she smacked against the wall; the princess's advance left her cornered. "Do you have anything you'd like to admit, dear?"

"Oh, no your majesty! I mean, if that's alright. I can certainly understand why everyone else is here, but maybe you abducted me just a teeny tiny bit too hastily? As it happens, I'm already straight as an ironing board. I think I'd like to go home now..."

"I noticed your wings did a little salute when Pinkie kissed you, hmm? What was that all about?"

"Oh, that was nothing Princess. See, when you drugged me and deposited my unconscious body on the floor, I was sort of lying on my wing and got a cramp. And right when Pinkie kissed me, it sort of woke up from when it had fallen asleep, so I decided to give them an innocent little stretch to make sure there wasn't another cramp later."

"A cramp you say? Will you be alright Fluttershy? I can have a medical professional look them over, if you want. Your safety is of the highest priority while you're here."

"Thank you very much Your Majesty, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I wasn't injured at all, and nothing like that will happen again."

Celestia nodded. "You are certain it won't happen again?"

"Absolutely Your Majesty."

Celestia continued nodding, and then, without warning, seized Fluttershy and kissed her full on the lips. Her friends could only stare in shock as she continued the kiss, forcing Fluttershy's wings straight into the air once again. This continued long after Celestia's point had been made, before she finally dropped Fluttershy back onto the floor. Slow to recover, Fluttershy wobbled and tried to pull her wings back down, growing more and more frantic as they refused to budge. Celestia trotted back to her desk with a swagger, tail swishing in obvious excitement.

The moment they had recovered from the sheer audacity of Celestia's assault, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were on the scene.

"Princess!" challenged Rainbow with fiery indignation. "How could you just jump on her like that?! Fluttershy's feelings are very delicate and she deserves better than to be toyed with!"

"Fluttershy!" said Twilight sternly. "I expected better from you. How could you just sway there like a vixen and tempt our pure, innocent Princess to jump on you like that?! I think as our ruler she deserves at least a modicum of respect!"

"Oh Rainbow, I didn't mind, really! She umm... tasted like coconut, and that's my favorite ice cream. Well... now it is, funny I don't remember liking it much before... but anyway, I don't mind if she didn't."

Celestia looked like the cat who had eaten the canary. "I don't mind either. Given that she didn't have prior written permission to grace my lips, I think that offense carries at least a dungeon sentence. But don't worry, she's pardoned."

Twilight's frown vanished and she looked over at Fluttershy, biting her lip. "So... mint coconut or classic coconut?"

"Oh. Definitely mint. Maybe even more mint than coconut come to think of it..."

A tear ran down Twilight's cheek as she listened to Fluttershy. "To think the heaven that's graced your lips. I may never know such glory, but at least I can touch the lips that touched the lips—" As Twilight leaned forward to a now cowering Fluttershy, Rainbow doubled back and yanked her away. "No more kissing Fluttershy!" The light blue mare decreed, depositing Twilight back amongst the group of bewildered friends.

That seemed to pull the unicorn back into the realm of sanity. Twilight steeled herself and resolved to confront head on the moment she had been dreading. Clearing her throat, she addressed Celestia. "Well, if we're going to do this I'll go next. I mean, if you didn't already know about me, I guess you do now. All I can do is hope you realize that naive as I was, for I had the best-"

"Applejack," said Celestia crisply and with pointed obliviousness, rolling out another parchment. "Can you tell me what this number is?" Unlike all the other pieces of 'evidence,' this was merely a scrap of note paper with the number '314' written on it.

"No I can't Your Majesty," said Applejack proudly. "I got four hooves and I've never needed to count higher. But if you're tryin' to muddle the issue with yer fancy numbers, let me say right now that I am not gay in the slightest." She glanced at her friends sheepishly. "Not that there's nothin' wrong with that."

"Well," said Celestia amiably. "Let me refresh your memory then. This is the number of showers you took with your all-mare hoofball team in your days at Bale University."

Everyone gasped.

"Per term," Celestia added with a touch of somberness.

"Now hold on," retorted Appledash angrily. "However many showers I took or didn't, there ain't nothin' filly-foolin' about that. My teammates were my fellow warriors, and we were perfectly comfortable gettin' sweaty and muddy together to take our minds off school and hardships. And furthermore, it's perfectly natural to begin and end a session of hard play with a cleansing group shower. We trained together, we fought together, we were equals!"

Rarity scrunched her brow in confusion. "But... three-hundred and fourteen? Per term? That would scarcely give you any time to play the game, darling!"

"Rarity, you take yer fancy equations and leave them out of this conversation. All they ever produce are lies!" Applejack gulped and ran her hoof across the ground. "Though now that you mention it, it does seem we took one or two more than was strictly necessary."

Twilight cleared her throat. "I think the bigger question is, how did Applejack graduate from Bale if she never even learned how to count?!"

"She had a sports scholarship," sang Pinkie, bouncing around with every word. Twilight grumbled in response but didn't dispute the point.

"Now that that's taken care of," said Celestia, "shall I show you around camp?"

Twilight tensed her miserable shoulders and cleared her throat, trying to harden herself for what was to come. She did not wonder what a condemned mare walking over Equestria's border to a permanent exile felt like. She was that mare.

"Princess..." she said hoarsely. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Celestia tossed a side-glance Twilight. "What could that be, my Faithful Student?" Everyone else stared at the princess as though she were blind, crazy, or both.

"Well you... showed us... why... everyone needs to be here. Everyone except me. Aren't you going to pull out some proof concerning my orientation too?"

Celestia looked shocked. "Twilight, are you suggesting that you're also gay?"

Twilight looked at the ground, fighting back tears. "That's why you brought me here, isn't it? Because you... err... might have reason to believe... that I'm in love with another mare?"

Celestia almost laughed, but when she saw the hard time Twilight was enduring, she rushed over and enveloped the unicorn in a beautiful white wing. "Oh, Twilight. You've got nothing to be ashamed of!"

Twilight's eyes widened and she stared up at Celestia, trembling. "Really?" The seeds of hope were in her voice.

Celestia nodded. "Absolutely. I've known you since you were a filly, Twilight. I practically raised you myself, and I daresay I did a decent job of it too. You're a smart, capable, and well-adjusted heterosexual mare, and I couldn't be more proud of you."

"What?! I mean... but... why did you drug me then?!"

Celestia kissed Twilight on the brow, causing her to shiver. "Is that what this is all about? The reason you're here is because having a straight assistant to provide an example for your friends is going to be essential for the curative process! I didn't drug you on purpose. You did see me wink at you and tilt my head, right? That means 'Don't drink the tea, it's poisoned.' Then I looked to your left to let you know you were to keep it to yourself."

Twilight looked completely bewildered. "You umm... I don't remember you ever teaching me that, Princess."

"That's funny, your friend Pinkie Pie noticed immediately."

Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie sprouted up between Twilight and Celestia's loose embrace with a wild grin on her face. "Yep! I got to ride shotgun!"

Rarity looked aghast. "You mean you weren't drugged? Then why did you go along with it?!"

"And miss out on camp? I can't wait for the tour!"

"Speaking of which," said Celestia, "we'd better get started before it gets too dark."

"Now hold yer apples, Princess!" said Applejack, trotting in front of Celestia with a stubborn gleam in her eye. "Flimsy evidence or no, you're askin' us to put an entire week of our life on hold just to go through yer hair-brained therapy session. I'm sorry, but not even Royalty can do that with no advance notice!"

Everyone began talking at once.

"Good heavens, that reminds me! I've been invited to Canterlot for Lord Fancypant's latest soiree! I was going to show all his guests my Fall line! I simply can't pass up an opportunity like that!"

"And in case y'all have forgotten, I've got a buckin' farm to run! It ain't the kind of thing that ya can just up and leave without some preparation!"

"I've got to look after Spike! Does he even know where I am?"

"There's a Wonderbolts tryout in two days! I've been training all Summer for it!"

"And whose going to take care of my animals?"

"Maybe I should have had the drugged tea. Was it tasty?"

Celestia straightened up and cleared her throat, silencing everyone. "I understand your concerns, and I assure you I've attended to them. Fluttershy, my own royal fauna specialists are staying at your cottage as we speak, making sure your animals are being tended to. Applejack, I've contacted your old hoofball team and asked them to help out at the farm in your absence. Several of them were available and delighted to help. That will be especially important with your brother's—Big Macintosh—absence. Rarity, unfortunately Lord Fancypant's party will have to be rescheduled, I can hardly imagine that it can go forth without the host. Likewise the Wonderbolts tryout will have to be suspended while the team searches for their missing teammate, Soarin'. Twilight, there's no need to worry about Spike since he's not at the library anymore. And Pinkie, of course not, the tea was horrible as usual. And if you're curious, which I suppose you aren't, I did inform the Cakes of the situation and get one of the royal guards to fill in at the bakery for your absence."

There was silence as the girls tried to process this bizarre slab of information. Twilight spoke first.

"Princess Celestia, you're not saying you don't like tea are you?"

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "I think the bigger question is, what exactly happened to Spike, Soarin', Fancypants, and Big Macintosh?"

"Don't forget Shining Armor, Rainbow Dash," said Celestia. "He's missing too."

"And Shining Armor. Is this all related?"

"I'm glad you asked! It just so happens that I've also abducted the gentlecolts, and dragon, in question so that they can begin their straight therapy too."

"Wha-huh?! My brother isn't gay! He's happily married to your niece!"

Celestia coughed and muttered "Beard!" very loudly.

"Excuse me, Princess?"

"Sorry Twilight. I just have a habit of saying the word beard whenever someone mentions a stallion who obviously married to conceal his homosexuality."

"As interesting as this is," said Rarity sourly, "for what purpose could you possibly have to victimize these fine stallions, and poor helpless Spikey-Wikey too? You told us that our treatment was specifically to ensure we'd remain in tune with the elements of harmony, and that there's nothing wrong with variant sexual lifestyles besides that!"

"And it is. And there isn't. For mares anyway. Gay stallions go to Pony Hell, Rarity. In my wisdom as Princess, I decreed this long ago."

"Right," muttered Rarity sarcastically. "Pony Hell. Makes perfect sense."

"Don't worry little ponies. I can't oversee their treatment personally, since even with Twilight's help, my time will have to be devoted to you completely. And I can't allow you to visit them just yet. Because of the well-documented effectiveness of my treatment, any one of you might suddenly become heterosexual at any moment, and if it happens in the presence of a stallion..." she giggled girlishly. "I wouldn't want something to happen that you'd later regret. Nonetheless, I've sought out the foremost expert in the field of pseudo-scientific conversion therapy, so rest assured that the boys are in capable hooves."

One by one they groaned and rose. The powerful and ruggedly handsome red earth pony. The sleek and agile wonderbolt. The dashing, sophisticated white unicorn. The tall and determined guard pony. And the chubby little purple and green baby dragon.

"Wh... where are we?" asked Soarin' in confusion. They seemed to be in a tiny clearing in the middle of a night-darkened forest. They could barely see anything in front of them. The wind whispered ominously through the trees.

"Lands sake," said Fancypants, squinting into the gloom. "If I didn't know better I'd say that we've all been drugged and dumped unattended in the midst of an untamed forest!"

"Eeeyup," agreed Big Macintosh somberly. A twig snapped in the distance.

"Wh-what's going on? Did anyone else hear that?" Spike was shivering, so Big Macintosh gave him a quiet look and patted him on the top of his spines. It seemed to calm him down a little.

Shining Armor's steely gaze ran across the perimeter of the clearing. "I hate to say it fellas, but there's pretty much only one explanation for this. One of my bosses is pranking me again, and decided to drag all of you into it."

The rustling of the undergrowth grew louder, and seemed to be coming nearby. Spike jumped when he noticed. The others looked nervous as well. "Sh-should we be... frightened?"

"Oh buck yes," said Shining Armor wryly. "But we'll probably be fine once she's had her fun." He cleared his throat. "Alright Princess Celestia! Or Princess Luna! You got us good, now come out and rib us like you've been dying to!"

There was no response. They heard heavy hoofsteps, and the loud snapping of bushes that could only come from a massive creature.

"Alright," said Shining with a frown. "Not even they would go this far. I'm beginning to think we could actually be in danger. Everyone, get behind me!"

Fancypants and Spike both seemed happy to do just that, but Soarin' stepped to Shining Armor's side with a devil-may care grin. "I think it's do or die, guard. And when you're a wonderbolt, you always do!"

Big Mac stepped to Shining Armor's other side with a determined look on his face. "Eeyup."

The crashing sound grew closer and more frantic. The three brave stallions prepared themselves for whatever ghoulish devices the forest might have to throw at them. Soon they could see the barest silhouette of a horned and bestial monstrosity, larger than any of them. Steeling themselves, the three stood their ground.

With a terrible rumble, the beast spoke.

"Iron Will has a plan... TO MAKE YOU A MAN!"

The tour was brief enough, though few ponies paid any attention to it, either trapped within their own murky thoughts, or, in Pinkie's case, trying to capture fireflies. Princess Celestia suggested they all go to bed early to get the drugs out of their system, and retired back to her office with Twilight in tow.

"I'm afraid there was a little mixup at the delivery service," Celestia explained after they had prepared for their slumber. "I ordered a bed for you but it never came. In the end I decided not to complain about it since my bed is easily big enough for both of us."

"Wha- really?!" Twilight's mouth lit up with delight, but then she forcibly swallowed her enthusiasm. "Princess, I wouldn't want to impose on you. We're both grown mares now... and we need our privacy."

"Oh nonsense Twilight! Remember when I used to read to you to in my bedroom when you were a filly, and you'd doze off in bed with me? Give an old mare a bit of nostalgia, at least until we get this sorted out."

"Haha, yes Princess, of course." Twilight giggled rather nervously, and skittishly approached the bed, right up until Celestia nudged her in. In another moment she felt the Princess's heavy mass beside her, while strong hooves embraced her and brought her to rest against a snowy white chest.

"I should warn you though, recently I've gotten a bit grabby in my sleep."

In the next moment Twilight felt the Princess's heated breath against her ear, sending a chill down her back despite the incredible warmth. "And tongy."

Twilight flinched.

The night was sleepless and awkward for exactly one pony.


	2. Chapter 2

The pre-dawn was cold enough to chill a pony's bones.

Rainbow Dash landed on the cabin's roof and was shocked when she almost slipped off of the iced surface. Tossing one last snort at the frosted slope, she glided to the earth where nothing would betray her hooves. As she floated down along the cottage wall, she sought to peek in through the foggy window at her friends, who were no doubt sleeping soundly through the predawn. She couldn't see them through the misted window.

Finding her way back to the shed behind the cabin, Rainbow Dash returned to the large supply of firewood. The logs were thrice Dash's length and too cumbersome to be brought in easily, but the pegasus didn't care as she seized the top-most one off the stack. Months of rivalry with Applejack had served her well, easing the strain of dragging the heavy length across the sludge and dirt. Though her strength prevailed, her hooves could only grip vaguely at its surface, and without all four legs on the ground, her pulling power was reduced. More than once her cargo slipped out of her grasp.

Few pegasus could boast Rainbow Dash's fitness. She was barely panting when she got the huge log to the fireplace.

Once she was done congratulating herself on being awesome, she realized the log would never fit into the pit.

Her breathing was growing heavy when she finished pulling the log back to the shed and shoving it onto a worktable. Still she was confident that she could have repeated the feat several times before needing a rest.

A little exercise would only help her. She was determined that her friends wake to the warmth of a fire, and not from the noise of her work.

Staring at the log, she focused her inner chi and found balance and peace in her surroundings. Few would believe that brash and boisterous Rainbow Dash would have mastered the structured and focused art of Karate. It was however, a necessary contrast from her frantic and fast-paced life that she cherished.

Her body and mind met and concurred that she was ready. Faster than the eye could blink, her hoof slammed down on the waiting log.

Her flesh went numb from the impact. Rainbow could only enjoy the lack of sensation for a moment before it was replaced with pain.

"Oww," she whimpered. A tear fell down her cheek.

The log had barely been dented.

Her frustration at her failure came with the relief that no one else would witness her shame. There was nothing left to do but crawl back into her bed before anyone else awoke, and pretend she had never gotten out of bed.

When she turned to leave she noticed the wood axe hanging on the inside of the door.

Twenty minutes and an aching mouth later, Rainbow was carrying a manageable load of firewood back into the cabin on her back. It was secured with a thick rope, which she had scavenged from within the shed, once she had remembered that paying attention can be helpful.

She brought her prize to the fireplace in the common room and stacked it in a neat rectangle in the middle of the pit.

She flitted back to a chair and sat, waiting.

After a few minutes she began tapping a hoof on the floor.

She didn't have to do this. The familiar joy of sleeping in past noon was loads better than working her hooves raw to kickstart a fire. Working the weather of Equestria meant a life of flying amidst the freezing clouds and even resting her haunches on them, never wearing more than her own fur coat. She didn't get cold.

Her friends weren't nearly as radical as Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy in particular was a wuss. They needed her.

Rainbow toiled for her friends. She didn't need their gratitude. She just didn't want them to get cold.

She eventually returned to the fireplace, scooped up the chopped logs, and rearranged them. They now leaned against each other in a pyramid-like structure. Dash returned to her chair and watched them impatiently.

She decided to try stacking them in a pony shape. As she returned to the fireplace to undo her work, Fluttershy spoke from behind her.

"Oh, good morning Rainbow Dash. I didn't expect you of all ponies to be up this early. But I'm really glad you are."

Still focused on her work, Rainbow didn't turn around.

Fluttershy began nuzzling her shoulder, which caused the pony-shaped stack of wood to collapse just as it was nearly complete.

"Are you making a fire for everyone? Oh Rainbow that's so thoughtful of you. I think that's the best thing about you, you're always looking out for your friends."

Rainbow cleared her throat grumpily.

"Oh no, am I bothering you? I'm so sorry, I'll just let you work and we can talk when you're done. If you want to, I mean."

Rainbow Dash completed the stack for the third time and returned to her place, leaving the chair for Fluttershy. The other pony ignored it in favor of snuggling up against Rainbow.

"I was worried we wouldn't get any time to ourselves," said Fluttershy, adding a pleasant purr to her meek voice. "Not that I don't like spending time with everypony else, of course, but all this business about us being ponynapped is so disconcerting. I can't even pretend to understand why the princess is doing this. You don't think she'll break us up, do you?"

"Nah," said Rainbow gruffly. "To do that she'd need the royal guard, Princess Luna, and the Wonderbolts. And it still wouldn't work."

Fluttershy giggled. "When you say it like that, I believe it. We'll just fake it until she lets us go I guess." She leaned her head against Dash's shoulder. "It's going to be hard pretending though, even if it's only in front of her."

"Uh-huh," agreed Rainbow Dash, who was still fixated on the fireplace.

She felt Fluttershy's muzzle against her neck and touched her yellow face. Fluttershy let out an agreeable murmur, but her face was soon nudged away. Dash scooted away and resumed her vigil on the listless pile of wood, not seeing the hurt look on Fluttershy's face.

"Do you want to umm... go flying later?" Fluttershy asked through obvious hesitation.

"Nah," grunted Rainbow Dash. "I'd rather train on my own."

"Sorry, you already told me that. Still, maybe we could umm... spend some together later? Maybe?"

"What would we do?"

"Well... we could go on a nature walk and make friends with all the cute little animals. I've never been in these woods before, and I'd feel much safer if you were there to protect me."

"Don't you still have that restraining order or something?"

"Oh that's right. It won't expire for another two months, and that's assuming the Bunny Coalition can't get it renewed." After Fluttershy's misbehavior at the Gala, the woodland creatures in the royal gardens had brought a suit against her in royal court. Though they were successful in completely disbarring the pegasus from animal stewardship, Princess Celestia had intervened and amended the court's ruling so that the Element of Kindness could at least continue her practice within Ponyville limits.

"Well, maybe just a romantic walk then?"

"I'd rather fly," said Rainbow Dash, still not looking at her.

"Well," said Fluttershy, in what began in a seductive tone. "We could always find some time alone and then umm..." At that point her squeaking had become so quiet that she was completely inaudible.

"What was that Shy?"

"It's okay if you're not ready, and we haven't really discussed this before, but since we've been dating two months now, I was wondering if you were thinking about..." Again Fluttershy couldn't bring herself to finish her sentence in a way that left anypony with a chance of comprehending it.

"Fluttershy can this wait? I don't want to miss the fire igniting."

"Sorry Rainbow! We can talk about that later... or maybe never, never's always... wait, what?"

"Any idea how long it usually takes? I've probably got time for a nap if it's going to be more than an hour."

Fluttershy started laughing. Rainbow turned and shot her a glare.

"Oh Rainbow, I know I shouldn't laugh but that's not how you start a fire! I'm so sorry."

Rainbow smirked and looked back to the wood with complete assurance. "Of course it is! You get enough dry wood in one place, and wait until the lightning hits it, either manually or through wild weather. Every year we fly over to Whitetail with a cloud and hit it with lightning to keep the overgrowth down. I spent a half hour in the air making sure the conditions were right, now I've just got to let whatever enchantments the unicorns put on this chimney do the work and attract that lightning."

"Yes Rainbow," said Fluttershy calming down and affixing a soothing tone. "You're very well educated and a great weather pony. But Cloudsdale University is like most sky academies in that its science courses don't teach students about ground-based phenomena. It's getting to be a problem in our economy now that weather ponies are finding themselves unable to transfer their skills to other careers."

Jerking her gaze away from the firepit, Rainbow Dash stared at Fluttershy, completely bewildered. "Ground... based phenomena?"

Standing up, Fluttershy approached a supply closet and pulled out a tin with a red label and a book of matches. Opening it up she scooped out a pulpy substance and began smearing it onto the firewood. "This is amadou," she said. "It's a natural flammable made from fungus."

"Wha?"

"See, just put a little on the top, and then you can light it." She plucked a match from the book. "This is a match."

"Wha?!"

"Just strike it against the book like so..." Fluttershy followed her own instructions and lit the match with one stroke. "And here you've got a nice teeny little fire. Now, see what happens when you toss it in the pit."

Fluttershy tossed the match atop the wooden pile and watched it burst into flame.

Rainbow was momentarily speechless. "That. Was. Awesome!" was all she could say at last.

Fluttershy trotted over to Rainbow Dash and closed her eyes, leaning ever so subtly forward. Rainbow began leaning forward as well, but at the sound of hooves coming down the staircase she abruptly shoved Fluttershy away, looking everywhere but at her feathered counterpart.

"And here I thought I'd be the first pony up," said Applejack as she entered from the communal bedroom. "What are y'all up to?"

"Nothing!" Rainbow looked away with a frown. "Well I was trying to start a fire for everyone but then Fluttershy—"

"Rainbow started a fire for everypony! She's so thoughtful, isn't she?"

"Hah! Good goin' Dash." She trotted up to the blue pegasus and patted her roughly on the back. "And here ah thought Shy was the only pegasus with her feet on the floor. We'll make a ground-pounder out of you yet!"

"Hah, well you know me. I'm basically a genius. Besides, who needs a degree when you're _The Dash?_ Fires come begging to be started."

"Modest too," Applejack added with a chuckle. "How 'bout I make this mornin' complete with a lil' breakfast?"

"BREAKFAST!" came the roar from the top of the stairs.

Before Applejack had time to react, a pink blur zipped down the stairs, and the ghaling contrails snatched the hat clear off her head. As it drifted down, Pinkie Pie paused, rewound, and swiped the stetson out thin air, placing it on her own head.

_"Which one of you said food?"_ demanded Pinkie Pie with Applejack's stetson perched loosely atop her poofy mane.

Applejack snatched her hat back and smiled. "C'mon, let's go assess our pantry situation. Seein' as you're the only one besides me who knows how to cook, y'may as well help."

Having no place in the kitchen, Rainbow Dash let the others work their magic. Pinkie stirred up some batter while Applejack heated a griddle over the open blaze, and in no time at all the two served everypony with a heaping plate of blueberry flapjacks.

"Soup's on!" Applejack shouted up the stairs. "Git yer little white flank down here or Pinkie's gittin' yer share!"

Eventually, the calls managed to rouse Rarity. The mirror from afternoon floated before her, capturing her attention as she came down the stairs. "Can you not reheat them for me, dear? I'm doing what I can, but looking fabulous with such limited supplies is difficult even for me!"

"Ain't got the facilities," announced Applejack cheerfully. "Eat up, and let me or Pinkie know if you want seconds."

Rainbow Dash and the others sat down to eat, but their contented silence fell into a peculiar unease.

Rainbow cleared her throat. "So what's the buckin' deal anyway? The Elements of Harmony don't work for queers? They've worked fine so far!"

"Well, the matter is rather simple when you really think about it," said Rarity as she cut her pancakes into delicate little squares. "Our Princess is a politician. And we as the Elements of Harmony are tools. The six of us would be perfect pawns for an interlocked scheme of arranged marriages... but we have to become acceptable brides first, don't we?"

"Oh no Rarity! you can't be serious!" Fluttershy looked horrified.

"I know, that's like six parties! That's got to be the best news since I heard we were going to camp!"

"Sounds pretty dastardly... if that were what this is really about. The Princess is just tryin' to get me to admit I'm gay! And it ain't gonna work! Soon as I find the right stallion, I'm marryin' who I choose!"

"She's probably trying to get her revenge for Philomena— I did say that I was sorry, didn't I?"

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. "Nah, I've got a pretty good idea of what's really going on."

Everyone quieted down to listen to her.

"See, I've heard some strange rumors that I never really put much weight on. But now that we're here it's kind of obvious."

The room seemed to darken as Rainbow Dash brandished her most intimidating grin.

"Princess Celestia—" here she paused "—is actually a great big futa, and she's jealous of our adorable lesbian relationships, and how they threaten her gigantic—"

"Rainbow! Not in front of Pinkie!"

"Sorry Rare."

Fluttershy's wings, meanwhile, betrayed their owner and crept to an upright position. She blushed as she glanced back at them, but no one was paying her any attention.

"So what about you Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow smirked. "I bet you've got some crazy theory about why Celestia's doing all this."

"I'll tell you later. Right now I want to hear Twilight's theory."

"Oh come on. Twilight's not going to badmouth the Princess. Right now she's probably trying to convince herself that she's straight and doesn't have that crush she's been harboring forever, just because the princess said so. If Celestia asked her student to wipe her royal flank, she'd probably ask permission to use her tongue."

At that point Rainbow Dash noticed that Pinkie's hoof had been pointing behind her ever since she spoke. Dash turned around.

Twilight Sparkle stood at the doorway, eyes misted over with tears.

"You're right Rainbow Dash," she said weakly. "I do have a lot of respect for the Princess. After everything she's done, and everything she's taught all of us, I can't imagine thinking of her in any other light. Just like I can't... can't imagine how you all could sit here and say those things about her."

"Ah c'mon Twilight, we're all feelin' a little—"

In a blast of purple magic, Twilight vanished.

"Horseapples," spat Applejack. Rarity had already covered Pinkie's ears in anticipation of the vulgarity.

In another moment Twilight had teleported back into the living room. "I almost forgot, I came here to tell you that when you've finished breakfast, Celestia has asked everyone to come to the group therapy cabin for our first session." Before anyone could respond the unicorn had vanished once more.

"Alright," said Applejack with a sigh. "Guess we'd better get these dishes clean and then we can—"

POOF. Twilight appeared again. "By the way Rainbow Dash, she's not a futa. I used to sleep in her bed when I was a filly, and once I got curious and checked."

Rainbow Dash blinked. _And there it was._

"Twilight would ya just—"

SWOOF.

Sadly, the five remaining friends cleaned up and began filing out the door. Rainbow Dash was last, and once outside she found Applejack waiting for her against a backdrop of frozen wheat fields.

"We can't take this sititn' down Dash. I don't know what the Princess is up to, but she's driving us apart. Twi's never gonna go against anythin' she says, and it's tearin' her up inside. Plain as day."

"I'm not gonna take it Applejack. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this."

"What do we do?"

Their meeting place was a clearing outside the recreation center with a great oak for shade. Despite the chill of autumn, Celestia's presence gave the clearing the fresh warmth of spring. And despite the dim light of day, the night seemed just around the corner as Dash joined the circle.

Both princesses awaited Dash and her friends.

"I do not think I need to introduce Princess Luna," said Celestia after everypony had gathered on the grass before her, "but redundancy is the first obstacle towards democratic reform! Joining us for today's therapy will be the co-ruler of Equestria, Thyme's most influential mare of the year, Equesire's third sexiest mare alive, me being first and second, and retired night-spawned menace to civilization. Of course I like to call her 'little sis.'"

Luna, who had been waiting to speak and staring severely ahead, opened her mouth, but was interrupted by Celestia.

"And because I wish to foster a close group mentality between us, you may call her that as well. Even though it makes no sense."

"Hiya little sis," said Pinkie, jumping to a sitting position from where she had been rolling around in the grass.

**"GREETINGS PINKIE PIE,"** said Luna, her attention converging on the pink pony. She crouched down to level their heights and spoke in a booming whisper. **"Though if we might be so bold, we prefer you refer to us as—"**

"The reason I called Luna here," spoke Celestia above the blizzard, shooting a warning look at Luna. "Is to deliver and explain the use of a set of devices that will greatly aid in your treatment. Yes Twilight?"

Twilight returned her hoof to the ground. "Can we just call her Princess Luna?"

"If you must. Do you wish to proceed, little sis?"

Luna scowled and retrieved a mid-sized, unmarked box from behind the oak tree. Opening it, she brought out six identical objects that hovered towards each of them on wings of magic. Rainbow gripped one of them in her hooves and looked it over. It was about seven or eight inches in length, with a thin metal body that tapered to a gentle point on one end. The other end had a rubber handle with a switch and various settings.

Looking up, Rainbow noticed Rarity staring at the princesses in shock and disbelief. "No. No. You're not seriously going to-"

**"THESE ARE THE ROYAL RE-SEXUALIZATION GADGETS!"** boomed Luna. **"They are completely safe, highly effective, and yours to keep! Instructions on their use are as follows..."** Luna trailed off, staring in disbelief at Pinkie.

Pinkie had already switched hers on, and from the loud buzzing emanating from the object it seemed she was utilizing the highest setting. Wielding it in her mouth she leapt upon Rarity and poked in her in the neck with the tip of the makeshift weapon, causing the unicorn to yelp loudly.

Rarity shot back a glare that could have shattered a magic force field.

"It. Is._ On._" Rarity declared, and levitated her own metal rod into the air.

A quick defensive slash skillfully parried Pinkie's next strike. Seeing Rarity's swift checkmate, Pinkie took a step back, and raised her weapon in a toned _Kenjutsu_ pose. Where she had learned it, Rainbow had no idea. Nevertheless, Rarity leaned forward in response, posing her blade above her head in a classic _Poste di Falcone_.

An active duel had erupted between the two. The two ponies stood on opposite planes of existence; one hung in uncharacteristic stillness, while her counterpart contained her emotions within an alabaster shell.

And then one of them lunged.

Rarity moved with precision, graceful curves tracing each of her motions. The two masters disappeared beneath a blur of pink and alabaster flashes. But Rarity's timed strokes were no match for Pinkie's wild and reckless abandon.

Soon Rarity was helpless and lying on her stomach, as Pinkie used the humming object to put gentle yet firm pressure on her withers.

Rarity cascaded into giggles. "Ooh Pinkie Pie! I surrender I surrender!" Pinkie turned off her device and began climbing off of Rarity, only to receive a cold look. "That didn't mean stop," clarified the unicorn. Pinkie again dove onto Rarity's back, and rolled her blade down the unicorn's length, eliciting a long moan in response.

Rainbow and the others tried hard looking everywhere but into each others eyes. Fluttershy slapped her wings down.

Luna and Celestia seemed unfazed, yet keenly interested. Their speech had been interrupted, the pegasus recalled.

Rainbow turned her gaze back to the action. It didn't matter.

**"Bravo,"** said Luna, her stony expression collapsing into a warm smile. **"Your friends Pinkie and Rarity have expertly divined the purpose of this device. Observe most carefully how they use these toys to engage in friendly, platonic play during which all homosexual thoughts are forgotten. PINKIE, WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED WITH HER I DESIRE A TURN!"**

"Of course," continued Celestia. "You do not require a partner to use the re-sexualization gadget. In fact, its primary purpose is... when you're alone..." Celestia leaned closer to her audience. "Listen very carefully my ponies. The next time you feel attracted to another mare, and nopony is around to help distract you from it, I want you to keep those thoughts in your head and focus on them. As you do so, turn the gadget on to whatever setting you're comfortable with, and apply it to the area most affected until those confusing and disturbing feelings are replaced with an utmost satisfaction."

Twilight was taking notes and glanced up from her scroll. "Princess, what do you mean by the 'area most affected?'

Celestia gave her student a sly smile. "You'll understand when the time comes."

Applejack, meanwhile, was turning her re-sexualization gadget about in her hooves, squinting at it from different angles. "Say Princess, how does this contraption work anyway? Is it gonna hurt?"

Celestia shook her head. "Of course not Applejack. While the original device applied a mild shock to achieve deterrence, Luna and I made it clear to the development teams that a product that caused pain or even discomfort wasn't acceptable. We've done extensive research, both personally and among test groups of stallions and mares alike facing the very issues that you confront today. Each participant have reported immense relief after a two-week test period. It turns out that a mild pleasurable sensation can be even more effective than an electric-aversion device."

Then Princess Celestia leaned towards Applejack and winked. "Of course, if you've experimented with all the settings and feel like you still need something with that little extra kick, come see me in my office. I still have the original shock-inducing prototypes."

"So why did you give me one?" asked Twilight nervously.

Celestia sighed. "Twilight, your friends are all fags. It's only a matter of time until they try to turn you too, and you'll need something to defend yourself."

"So what should I do... use it to try to beat them off? Of me?"

"Only with their consent Twilight."

The others were snickering, but Rainbow Dash felt the blood heating in her chest as she stalked up to confront Princess Celestia.

"Hold it Princess! Why do you keep saying that? I expected better than homophobic slurs from the pony I'm trusting to rule this nation!"

"What Rainbow Dash? Oh... did you think I was... no no no, I was using that word in the archaic sense, not the modern. I would never use slang in front of my sister, it frightens her."

"What kind of bucking logic is-"

"Attention everyone," interrupted Celestia. "I have a grave announcement. Our intelligence reports suggest that although Queen Crysalis and her minions were blasted into the sky, they have recently reassembled for another attack."

Keen on the conversation, Luna raised her head. **"BECAUSE SOMEPONY THOUGHT THAT SCATTERING A BUNCH OF CHANGELINGS ACROSS THE LAND WHERE THEY COULDN'T BE TRACKED AND COULD EASILY RE-INFILTRATE EQUESTRIAN SOCIETY WAS THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE THE SITUATION."** She lowered her head again with a sigh of pleasure. Both Rarity and Pinkie Pie were on her back now, driving their throbbing gadgets into her taut muscles.

"Well, I did dock Shining Armor's pay and Princess Cadence's royal stipend, and they're both very sorry that they dealt with the threat in a way that didn't actually mitigate it. But that doesn't change the facts. Little ponies, your therapy can't be rushed and I know the rehabilitation process takes time. But when Crysalis pops up again, and it could be any day now, I'd really, really like there to be a great, big, heterosexual beam of magical rainbow power with which to hit her in the face."

Celestia's wings spread out. "No pressure though. Anyway, I must take care of some affairs of state. Luna and Twilight are in charge until I get back. Farewell, my little ponies."

In a streak of glorious light, Princess Celestia flew away. Rainbow lost sight of her in a mere second.

Rainbow Dash held up her resexualization gadget and waved it incredulously at her friends. "Girls, is it just me or is this whole thing really, really gay?"

Pinkie and Rarity looked up from where they were massaging Luna, and everyone save Twilight and Luna affirmed.

"Still," said Applejack, tucking the device into her mane, "I'll just hang on to this anyhow. I've got a feelin' that it has heterosexual applications as well."

"No no Rainbow Dash, you don't understand! The point of these exercises is to make us straight!" Twilight galloped about her friends and looked at each of them with increasing worry. As Twilight approached Rainbow Dash, the pegasus noticed the dark circles underneath her friend's eyes.

"Uhh, Twilight, did you sleep okay last night?"

"Twilight, we're all with you. And we'll go along with what the Princess wants, seein' as how we ain't got much choice. But you've got to admit that it seems like the princess isn't bein' level with us!"

"Umm... did she say anything to you Twilight? You're the one closest to her... if you want to talk about what's going on," said Fluttershy.

Twilight grinned. It was all teeth and no humor. "You don't understand girls. None of you understand! The princess is not lying... sometimes she works in elusive ways, but it's all true."

She began pacing back and forth, consulting her notes. Her combed mane fell out of place and became unhinged. "Let's see, uh, she must mean that, er, if we don't all become heterosexual... then the Elements will turn us into bundles of sticks! No one's documented extended exposure to them—who knows what will happen? But Celestia knows. She's never wrong!"

Pinkie leaned over and whispered to Rarity. "Is Twilight gonna use mind control on everyone again?"

Rarity nodded grimly.

"Twilight!" Applejack said, putting a firm hoof on her shoulder. "Listen to yourself for a minute! We all respect Princess Celestia, but that don't mean we shouldn' question her behavior when it's called for."

Twilight shivered. _"Of course you can't question The Princess!_ She's The Princess! In the time it's taking us to have this argument, we could all have had three heterosexual experiences instead!"

Twilight crawled over to Luna, grinning awfully with bulging eyes. "You can back me up, can't you, Princess Luna? No one can argue with The Princess . . ."

**"TWILIGHT SPARKLE,"** said Luna with quiet ice. **"QUELL THY RAMBLING AT ONCE. There are two princesses."** Rarity and Pinkie ceased their massage and watched in horror. Luna turned their gaze on them. **"That did not mean stop,"** she said, her voice much kinder.

Twilight gulped and fell on her rump as she backed away from Luna. Still, she kept grinning. Alright, fine. Guess I'm all alone. I thought it might come to this. So I devised a spell to make us all straight, myself included. It's the only way to save Equestria!"

Rainbow Dash stepped forward and confronted her friend. "Stop it Twilight! You can't turn to mind control every time you have a problem!"

"Of course I can, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said cheerfully as she began to froth at the mouth. "Mind control is the solution to everything! Hold still girls, this might sting a little!"

Twilight's horn flashed a blinding purple, arcing out in bolts of magic that overcame vision and encroached on sanity and will. Rainbow tried to flee but found that she couldn't. For the briefest moment she felt an unstoppable force battering her conscious, and then—

**"Haha, no,"** said Luna without an ounce of humor in her voice.

In another moment the midnight goddess's horn shone with the void of midnight, spreading icy, cackling shadows outward to lap up Twilight's powerful magic and make rude slurping noises. The pressure stopped, and Rainbow Dash immediately felt blessed with relief. Once no trace of Twilight's power was left, the horde of animate shades rushed back towards it's mistress, leaping into the princess's horn and mane.

Twilight wavered on her feet, visibly weakened by the summary negation of her power. "Why'd you make me stop, Princess?" she asked, still with that mad grin. "Did I do the spell wrong? Let me try again, I'll get it right this time, I promise."

Luna rose to her feet.

Pinkie and Rarity both had the good sense to hop down.

The midnight sovereign sauntered over to Twilight, overpowering gaze locked on the stunned student. She stopped perhaps a foot away. While the small unicorn seemed very much as though she wanted to make eye contact, she apparently wasn't able to visually locate Luna.

**"Twilight,"** said Luna quietly.

"Yehuh?"

**"THIS!"**

Luna seized Twilight up roughly and closed her eyes as she kissed the unicorn roughly on the lips. After a few moments, she pulled away, deposited Twilight back on the ground, and swallowed.

"Mmm... shthat, red wine I taste? Has a snare to it..." Twilight concluded her statement by falling onto her back, gasping weakly, and then drooling in the grass as her eyes fell closed.

"Oh no!" screamed Pinkie Pie, jumping about hysterically. "Luna killed Twilight with her sexiness!"

Rainbow Dash rushed over to her fallen friend, barely keeping her own composure. She knelt down beside the prone unicorn and found that while unconscious, the unicorn breathed normally.

She looked up and found her face inches away from the imposing Princess Luna.

**"TWILIGHT SHALL RECOVER,"** announced Luna. **"BIG SIS ALWAYS DID WONDER WHY I LACE MY LIPSTICK WITH A SEDATIVE. THE STYLE FADED IN THE FIRST CENTURY, YOU SEE. IF SHE ONLY SAW MANY CRISES HAVE BEEN AVERTED IN THIS WAY."**

Luna lifted Twilight and deposited the unconscious unicorn on her back.

"Luna," said Rainbow Dash as the princess began to leave the group. "How about you tell us what's going on?"

**"No comment,"** replied Luna. Rainbow had a feeling the night princess was smiling, though she was faced away.

Luna began walking away again, but she stopped. **"By the way,"** she said, voice—comparatively—soft but perfectly clear. **"Please don't blame Twilight for her actions. It seems to me that a lack of sleep has affected her judgement. I HAVE EXPERIENCED IT MANY TIMES MYSELF. Big sis mentioned something about her bed failing to be delivered?"**

"Oh, don't worry about it," said Fluttershy with a wave. "We're used to this by now."

**"I see. REGARDLESS, SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS NO CAVALIER MATTER. My sister will not object if I place your friend in her bed, especially when she isn't using it. I WILL ENSURE HER SLEEP IS RESTFUL. I ENTRUST THE REST OF YOU WITH YOUR OWN MATTERS UNTIL CELESTIA RETURNS."**

With Luna was gone, Rainbow Dash pulled Applejack close.

"It's time to get to the bottom of this," she murmured.

"Ah'm worried about Twilight."

"I am, too. If we're going to help her, we need answers."

"Ooh umm... are you two plotting clandestine activities? C-can I maybe... help out?"

Rainbow looked up, recognizing Fluttershy's voice.

"Stay here," Dash said, motioning for Applejack to walk with her. "You'd only slow us down."

Applejack glared at Rainbow Dash, then flashed the crestfallen Fluttershy a tender look. "Why don't you go check on Twi? Make sure she gets enough sleep and all."

"Oh. Yes, I can do that." Fluttershy brightened up a little. "She'll be so embarrassed when she wakes up and finds out she went temporarily insane again. I'm sure she'll like it if someone else is there to talk with her."

"Rainbow, I ain't one to tell you how to run yer mare, but what's the deal between you and Shy?"

The two friends were creeping through the rustling woods, staying low to the underbrush. There was a perfectly good path leading from their side of the camp to that of the stallion's, but they had agreed to avoid open ground during their covert operation.

"Me and Shy? Eh, we're fine."

"Rainbow, don't just brush it off. She tells me she's gettin' sexually aggressive in her sleep again. I think she's starved for attention!"

"Oh yeah, that's true. But don't worry, we solved that problem. We sleep in different beds now."

"Dash!"

"What? C'mon, Applejack, I'm not into that mushy stuff. Just because she's my marefriend doesn't mean I have to spend every second making out with her."

"Fine. At least promise me you'll talk to her about it. Promise me you'll keep her happy."

"Uh-huh, I promise. You worry too much, she's fine."

Applejack didn't seem particularly satisfied but she failed to press the issue as she pulled aside a low hanging branch and she and Dash stepped into open ground.

In order to get answers, they had agreed they would need to make contact with those that they had specifically been forbidden from coming into contact with—the males in the camp. Now they had arrived at their destination.

The buildings were arranged differently, but the basic functions seemed to be identical. The office was locked when they tried to enter it. A dormitory attracted their attention next, but they found empty. Next to that stood a shower and supply shed that they had ignored.

At last they came to the recreation room. They heard voices inside and slowed their pace.

"Princess Celestia never told us who their therapist is," whispered Applejack. "We'd better be careful."

Rainbow snorted. "When you put it that way, it makes me want to just barge in! But we're here for information, so let's try and eavesdrop."

They found a small ground-floor window and leaned their forelegs on the sill. Inside the occupants were all seated with their backs to the two spying mares. On a couch sat Iron Will with Spike and Big Macintosh. Soarin, Shining Armor, and Lord Fancypants had recliners to themselves.

The boy's attentions were locked on a flaring television. Everypony was drinking apple cider from cans, save for Spike who drank orange juice.

"That's corruption of a minor," whispered Applejack harshly. "How's that poor boy supposed to grow up to be a gigantic rampagin' monster without any apples in his diet?!"

"Quiet! Listen!"

"See," said Soarin pointing at the screen. "The issue's not with Quicksilver's style. Her turns are a bit on the mechanical side, but her moves are exceedingly precise and original. I think the aerobatics community recognizes her unique contribution. What you're actually seeing is the Trottingham judge hosing her to pave the way for his home team's champion."

"Eeyup," said Big Macintosh somberly.

"She was cool!" said Spike. "I would have given her a ten."

"Seems a crass and unwise strategy. After all," said Fancypants slyly, "will the other judges not remember the slight when Trottingham's own White Polish takes the stage?"

Iron Will chuckled. "I think we'll find out soon. Oh hey! It's the hundred yard air dash! This is where we see Rapidshot strut her stuff!"

Shining Armor leaned in to watch, his drink forgotten. "Oh yeah. Your teammate, right Soarin? The announcers have been touting that this race is going to be between her and Fast Draw of Appleloosa. Is there anything to that?"

Soarin rolled his eyes and shook her head. "Not even a contest. I've seen that girl train. She does it like she's bucking apples. Wham. Wham. Wham. Until she's dead on her feet from exhaustion. She's gonna be spent before the race even begins. What you've got to look for is Silk Glove from Neighpon. Nopony's really seen him in action yet, because he's only just entered his prime. I'm excited to see what he's got."

The dialogue drew to a close as the race started. Rapidshot was off in a blur, her sleek and rippling muscles powering a perfect wing technique. Fast Draw matched her for sixty yards before petering out and falling into sixth. Silk Glove was nose to nose with Rapidshot until they were ten yards away from the finish line, when Rapidshot put in a burst of speed to claim first, followed by an unknown from Prance named Breezyheart, who had also pushed past Silk Glove and left the Neighponese racer to finish third.

The ponies in the room all politely stomped their hooves on the ground. Spike's cheer was subdued.

Iron Will spun around and glared at them, the blood veins in his eyes pulsing. Nopony dared to breathe.

Iron Will sighed, seized his cider and guzzled it down. Then he let out a brutal belch, smashed the empty can against his powerful brow, and threw the ruined piece of tin behind the couch.

"When your team wins the race... SMASH A CAN ON YOUR FACE!"

Five different belches followed his command, and in another moment five crushed tin cans were flung onto the floor.

"Good work everypony," said Iron Will, calming down. "We'll clean up when we're done."

Once the coverage began cycling through re-runs, the viewers dispersed. Rainbow Dash and Applejack retreated from the window to talk freely.

"Alright," said Applejack flatly. "What the buck did we just see?"

"I don't know. But did you see how Soarin knew his stuff? He was so cool!"

"Uhuh."

"Oh man, I want him to watch me fly so he can tell me what Olymponians I can beat!"

"Keep it in yer britches cowgirl. What do we do from here, Dash?"

"Uhh... okay. Wait until your brother's alone and get in touch with him. Find out what he knows, figure out a way to keep in touch with him."

"I doubt he'll've figured out much at this point. What about you?"

"Me? I guess I'll just go with y—"

Rainbow cut herself off as she saw Soarin flying overhead. He circled around the recreation center once, caught her eye, grinned wickedly and fled in a burst of speed.

"Mission accepted. See ya back at base, Applejack."

Applejack said something in reply, but Rainbow Dash couldn't hear it as she launched into the air, aiming her lithe body at the clouds. The ground became a canvass she could look down upon in the unlikely event that she grew bored of the splendors of the sky, dots and shapes that no longer drew relevance to her new world.

Soarin was waiting for her on a cloud big enough for only one pony. She hovered before him.

"What do you know," she demanded without pleasantry.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash! I'll tell you," he said as he carelessly examined his hoof, "but I've got to do my runs first. See ya!"

He took off at breakneck speed. Rainbow followed without hesitation.

Over and under clouds they went. When Soarin would do a sharp turn or a barrel roll, Rainbow would mimic his flashy and unnecessary maneuvering as a point of pride. Catching him would be a poor prize indeed if he ended up looking more radical than she did during the chase.

Soon Rainbow began to fear that she would lose. While Soarin didn't have her stamina or ability to accelerate, his top speed was far more than she had ever managed outside of a Sonic Rainboom. Just as she was steeling herself to perform one, she realized something.

Soarin wasn't working the winds. He had been a professional athlete all his life and trained almost entirely in environmentally static courses. He didn't know the tricks of the weatherponies' trade.

On her ascent she had discovered a gradual, yet high-paced, downdraft. Now, she slowed down and swerved to claim it. As she slowed down as much as she dared risk, Soarin's shape grew further and further away until he was little more than a dot.

She caught it just in time, above him at a gradual decline that led to a perfect intercept. He could have ruined her plan simply by changing course or finding his own draft.

But he didn't.

She pumped her wings to pick up the speed until she was moving faster than even Soarin, heart fluttering with the sweetest of joy. He tried to pick up the pace again, but it was no use—she had tired him out. Soon she was right on top of him, and in another moment she had crashed into him and knocked him out of the sky. She had chosen the moment to pounce with fine precision, and the maneuver ended with both of them colliding into the safety of a massive cloud bank.

Her body was pressed tightly against his. She could feel their sweat mingling, and her chest grew uncomfortably hot. They were both still panting from the exertion.

"Whew. Haven't been worked like that since my Advanced Flight course. Great to see you again Dash. Had a question?"

"What the hay is going on with the princess?"

Soarin blinked and then laughed. "Oh, you mean this? I guess this might have caught you off guard, seeing as you're not from Canterlot. The 'Bolts are one of her favorite targets though. Princess Celestia is... how do I put this? Sometimes, she's a very silly pony."

Rainbow Dash laughed in disbelief, but then she scrunched her brow when Soarin only grinned up at her. "Princess Celestia? She's not, like... no... you're kidding, right?"

Soarin shook his head. "I'll tell you about the last thing she did. This was maybe a week after Princess Luna returned to us. She spent days flitting around our locker room telling us how lonely Luna was and how she hadn't had any 'games' for a thousand years and, yes, she was being _that_ suggestive."

"Dwuh?! She set the whole team up with her sister?!"

"Listen, listen. It culminated with her dressing the whole team in socks and lacy panties, myself included, and hauling us to Luna's bedchamber. Ya know what happened then?"

"Wh-what happened then?"

"We played chess with Princess Luna. All five of us against her. Celestia spent the whole time giggling in the background. Luna won."

"I thought chess was a two-player game?"

"Well, they played chess differently back in Luna's day."

"So you didn't actually-"

"Sleep with Luna? Well, I didn't. Spitfire says she did, but I couldn't tell with the piñatas everywhere."

"Huh?"

"They played chess _really_ differently back in Luna's day."

Rainbow Dash thought for a bit. "So what you're telling me is this whole thing is one big prank?"

Soarin laughed. "What did you think it was, Dash? Didn't the whole premise seem a little bit ridiculous to you?"

Dash laughed awkwardly. "Oh yeah... right. But why are you sticking around, then? Don't you have better things to do?"

Soarin calmed down and shook his head. "I could leave. But I love the princess. Everypony does. She's got the weight of the world on her shoulders, and yet she makes it look easy to bring peace and harmony throughout Equestria. So what if she wants this to bring a little joy to her life? She can have it. I won't even hesitate to play along for her sake."

"I hear ya, man. Besides, I could never ruin another ponies prank. That would be _so_ not cool."

"Anyway, Dash," said Soarin, shifting beneath her weight. "It's not Celestia that's keeping me here right now. It's you."

"Oh! Whoops! Sorry, I'll just—"

Soarin kissed her. Her tired wings rose a tiny bit away from their folds. She felt a brief jolt of electricity as their lips met, before she pulled away in shock.

"Soarin! What are you doing?! I'm a lesbian! I've got a marefriend!"

Soarin's eyes bugged and he squirmed beneath her in a brief state of panic. "Oh buck Dash, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. Look, I just...I don't know, I totally misread your signals here. Of course, that wouldn't have been a problem if I had just asked first, but that would have been the smart thing to do. Dash, look, I just want to be your friend. I'm not some panting pervert, I swear I just got carried away there, and I'd really like it if you could pretend that never happened."

Rainbow did nothing but stare at the stallion beneath her. He tried to get up but Rainbow was still weighing him down. His build was perfectly optimized for speed, which meant he was actually rather small. Dash was less blessed, and had about ten or fifteen pounds of muscle on him.

"Uhh...Dash? Don't you want to let me up now?"

"That didn't mean stop," she said, pressing her lips against his once more.


	3. Chapter 3

"Let's see," said Pinkie Pie, squinting at the chalkboard. Her gaze roamed from a crude picture of Celestia with a huge grin on her face to one of an infatuated Twilight surrounded by hearts popping like bubbles. She connected the two images by drawing an arrow with her chalk.

"We've got Celestia and Twilight. Or if you want to shorten it, 'Twilestia.' And then..." As Pinkie continued, she gestured to two more crude sketches. One was a bored Rainbow Dash, and the other depicted an upright, disembodied wing. "Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy have been going out for a couple months now. Hence the codename: RainbowShy."

Pinkie Pie spun around to meet her audience. "Any questions?"

The recreation room was almost empty. The only one watching Pinkie was Princess Luna.

"Do you seek a lover of your own? Tell me Pinkie Pie, what do you find attractive in a mare?"

"An up-beat personality! Good question, glad to see you've been paying attention! Now... where was I?"

She returned to the blackboard with a nod, motioning to images of Applejack and Rarity. "I only have two left to confirm. If what I fear is true..._ then it's a disaster._"

"Pinkie..." said Luna, rising to her feet. "Does it worry you that your friends have begun to mature?"

"Of course! I've got to do something before they decide I'm too foalish for them!"

"Endurance is the mark of true friendship. Yours is a precious bond. I would not trouble yourself with this."

"Don't trouble? _Don't trouble_?!" Pinkie leapt up to Luna and took ahold of her face, staring deep into her eyes. She thought she saw shapeless forms moving in the princess's eldritch irises, so she made a silly face hoping something would come out and play. Luna looked frightened, shivering and was blushing, but Pinkie couldn't imagine why.

"Did you know that last week, Gummy and I were the only ones to show up to Pony-Pet Play Day? Do you know it's been over a week since I've had any fun with any of them? Do you know how long it's been since there was," she gasped, "a party?"

Pinkie spun away from Luna and stood on her hind legs. "Two months! It was the Rainbow-Dash-got-a-girlfriend party!"

Luna remained motionless, staring at Pinkie with the weight of the ages. "Is that not normal enough?"

"And do you see them now? I thought finally we could all have fun at camp together, but nopony is having any fun!"

Luna sighed and approached her on the side, the princess's tall frame leaning lightly against her side. "It's time for your morning assembly with your friends. We will speak of this later."

*****

Soon the recreation room was filled with all of Pinkie's friends, the princesses included. As soon as they had settled in, Celestia began the lesson of the second day.

"Despite its obvious disadvantages," said Celestia as she stood before them, "being a heterosexual mare can be very enjoyable. One of the best things a straight mare can have is a beautiful friendship without any of the sexual tension."

"Excuse me," said Pinkie Pie as she tilted her head and frowned, "but we don't really have any problems with that."

"Umm... yeah," said Fluttershy softly. "We're really just ordinary friends."

"Heck," said Applejack, "Ah don't even think the subject's ever come up 'til now."

Surprise briefly graced Princess Celestia's features. "So you've never spontaneously decided to make? Not even once in a while?"

"Nope," answered Applejack somberly.

"You never feel each other up while you're sleeping?"

"Definitely not on purpose," said Fluttershy, eyes lowered as she blushed.

"Well what do you do?"

"We like to go on picnics," said Twilight.

"And have parties!" cried Pinkie Pie, whipping out a noisemaker and blowing it for emphasis.

"And ya know, we help out each other with work, go to town events, and just sorta hang out," said Applejack. "Really, it's great, ah don' see what the trouble is."

"We haven't done that stuff in a while," muttered Pinkie Pie. She hadn't intended for anyone to hear her, but Twilight had.

"Sure we have," said Twilight perkily as she levitated her planner before her. "Take a look. Just last week I... no... then I was touching up my shrine to Celestia. But before then... we had to cancel because of Rainbow's date with 'Shy... and uhh... here Rarity was being sulky..." she sighed and closed her book. "Well, it doesn't matter, I'm sure we'll get back on track in no time."

Celestia struck each of them with a look. "You are six of the most beautiful mares of your generation (that are not rulers of Equestria), you spend all your time with each other, and nothing of... interest happens on the side?"

"Nah, not really," said Rainbow Dash.

"By me," said Celestia in astonishment. "You're all doing it wrong!"

"How?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"That isn't the subject of today's session. Instead Twilight and I will demonstrate how to conduct a platonic and normal friendship between two mares, even though that is what you have all apparently wasted all these months together doing. Twilight, would you assist me in this role play?"

"R-role play? But princess, shouldn't we... oh, yes, ROLE PLAY! Of course."

"Thank you Twilight. The scenario is this: You are walking down the street of Ponyville having completed your morning errands, when you bump into your dear friend, played by me. Your schedule is pretty clear, so you offer to spend some time with me. Go!"

"Why hello Princess Celestia," said Twilight, in character. "I was just coming back from the market. After I drop these things off at the library, would you like to go out of town and pick some wildflowers?"

"Well," said Celestia deviously, "there is one flower I've always wanted to pick." With that, Twilight was lifted off the air with the princess's magic. "And it seems I don't even have to go anywhere to pluck it." Leaning in, Celestia ran her teeth along Twilight's neck as the unicorn flushed and went limp.

At the last moment, Celestia pulled away and dumped the unicorn on the floor. "Does anyone else want a demonstration?"

Pinkie Pie saw Twilight glaring at them from behind Celestia, and she and her friends all shook their heads as one.

"As you wish. However I hope that this has demonstrated my point. You see, little ponies, I've been a heterosexual for a long time. And that means that it is alright if I cheat. And I want that for you as well. I want you to be so secure in your heteronormal lives that you can make out with your friends without feeling any doubt for the righteous path you have chosen."

"So," Applejack hesitated, "are we gonna do exercises to help us feel secure about ourselves?"

"If by that you mean that you are all going to make out with each other, then yes."

Pinkie began eyeing her friends, but noticed several of them balking.

Princess Celestia smiled. "This exercise is optional of course, if any of you are not comfortable with it. But I for one would certainly like to see you bond in such a close manner. It would truly warm my heart. Take the day to decide whether or not you want to participate, and if so with whom. Twilight and I will be about the campus if you have any questions, or if you cannot find another partner."

That seemed to conclude the morning. Pinkie Pie saw Rarity and Applejack heading off together, and decided it was time to verify her suspicions once and for all. It took only moments for her to zip off and change into her spy-suit and night vision goggles. The goggles were useless during the day, but still an essential part of the costume.

*****

They led her to a picnic table by the lake. Lake Crystal? Pinkie hadn't wondered where they were until now, but perhaps Ponyville wasn't so far away after all. Climbing atop a branch in a nearby tree, Pinkie began watching her targets. Just as she saw the two leaning toward each other, a large dark head lowered itself into her field of vision.

Pinkie opened her mouth in preparation to shriek, but a hoof clamped over her face before she could make a noise.

**"Will you be quiet, or must I kiss you?"**

Pinkie shook her head and Luna released her, though the princess looked disappointed. Did she like knocking ponies unconscious?

"Observing your friends I see," noted Luna in a silky whisper that Pinkie could feel through her bones.

The princess took a seat next to Pinkie.

"Nah, I'm spying on them," said Pinkie. "Like I was saying before, it's essential that I discover whether or not they're involved in a romance or not!"

Luna lifted her chin and turned her eyes on Rarity and Applejack. Pinkie did the same thing.

They were locked in a vital embrace, kissing each other passionately.

"This seems somehow relevant to my investigation," murmured Pinkie as her eyes looked for a hiding space that would bring her closer to the heated pair.

However she was foiled by the shadows along Luna's mane that spread and dragged her away, releasing her next to the princess where they couldn't be seen by their prey.

"On the contrary, it seems they deserve some privacy," said Luna.

Soon Rarity and Applejack were passing their place of concealment.

"Thanks for lettin' me blow off some steam, Rare. Ya still umm... feelin' okay about this arrangement?"

"Absolutely," said Rarity, not looking at her.

"Good, real good. I don' want you feelin' bad or nothin', but what I really need is a coltfriend. This deal's just for practice, seein' as I'm straight."

"Right. Applejack, you do know what 'straight' means, right?"

"A 'course!"

"Good, do me a favor and never ask anypony about it or look it up in dictionaries."

"Ah that's no trouble. Granny Smith always says if anypony needs a dictionary, they're usin' too many syllables in the first place. Then when I asked what a syllable was she sent me to mah room. Haven't looked it up ta this day."

Applejack trotted off, leaving Rarity alone. She sniffed away a tear and moved over to buck a tree, connecting her hoof to the bark in a dainty little tap that wouldn't risk a chip.

Pinkie observed Rarity carefully. "I think I need a second opinion? Are they in a relationship?"

Luna turned away from Rarity's distress and hit Pinkie with her intense stare. "Do you not wish to talk to her?" Luna turned away from Rarity's distress and bore her deep gaze into Pinkie.

"Nah," said Pinkie, staring right back with hardly a blink. "I think she's sad about something, I don't want to bother her with this now."

"I see," said Luna, expression growing curious. "Then I suppose I shall. But first, a confession."

Luna looked away, lips curled tightly. "I must admit I sought you out, not to interfere with this mission of yours, but to... this never gets easy. Pinkie, your friends have each woven themselves into strange webs. Joining them will not do anypony good, but if you are truly curious about what tale two mares can weave together then... I myself have found myself growing attracted to you, and if you wished we could perhaps spend some time together, and learn more about each other."

Pinkie smiled apologetically. "Sorry Luna, but if everyone's caught in a web, I've got to help them. Twilight's secretly afraid of spiders, and Rainbow Dash hates it when her wings get sticky! We'll have to tell tales later"

"No, what I meant—"

"And anyway," cried Pinkie as she dashed off. "I've got romance to do!"

*****

"He needs this," said Iron Will hoarsely as he hunched beside Lord Fancypants.

"I must admit," said Fancypants to the minotaur, "I am not certain that I am entirely comfortable with this exercise."

The others were all there, watching the exchange in silence. Spike was crouched before Fancypants, waiting patiently.

Iron Will sighed and rose to his full height. "Do you want to help Spike or not? He may go his entire life without ever understanding what this is about, if not for your actions!"

Fancypants grumbled but gave in. "Fine, but let us not take this in a way it wasn't meant to be construed, Sir Spike. Are we understood? There are no hard feelings whatever the outcome."

With a hoof, Fancypants reached towards the dragon and touched him on the shoulder.

"Poke."

Fancypants reached out again, this time tapping Spike's rounded belly. "Poke again."

He continued harassing the baby dragon in the most oblique way possible. "Are you not annoyed, Sir Spike?"

Iron Will held up a hand and nodded. "Alright, that should be adequate. Spike, how do you feel?"

"Uhh... largely nonplussed," said Spike, staring up at Iron Will.

"No Spike! That stallion was poking you against your will! Are you just going to take it?!"

"Y-yeah, I kind of was."

"Wrong answer. How would you describe his actions?"

"Kinda weird?"

"He was being a PAIN Spike. Are you just going to let him do whatever he wants?"

"Maybe I could go somewhere else?"

Iron Will put a hand on his face and sighed. "Does Iron Will need to say it again?"

"I..." Spike looked at the ground. "Uhh... yeah. I need you to say it again."

"It's fine Spike, you did well." Iron Will stepped over to a black tarp upon a white sheet, turning to the entire group.

"When someponies being a pain...

He seized a fistful of the dark material and dramatically wrenched it away. Underneath were rifles, semi-automatic and fully automatic pistols, revolvers, and shotguns, all in many different sizes and makes.

"...BEGIN A MILITARY CAMPAIGN!"

Each weapon was lovingly calibrated to fire balls of messy paint.

Nothing else needed to be said. Iron Will and the boys began donning their protective gear, choosing their weapons, and sorting themselves into teams.

*****

As Pinkie bounced towards the Princess's office, she caught a glimpse of white out of the corner of her eye. When she turned to look, she decided the form receding into the deeper forest had to be Princess Celestia and immediately gave chase.

Pinkie's agility was sublime; she leapt over thick growth and weaved around trees without losing any speed. The princess could maneuver just as well, and though she stayed close to ground level, she didn't shy from using her impressive wings for assistance. Anyone else would have concluded she had no chance of catching up, but Pinkie was a believer of positive thinking.

She need only keep trying.

Her persistence paid off. Though far away, she could see the princess slowing. Pinkie broke into an all-out gallop, zipping past trees as she drew closer. Ahead the princess moved barely at a canter.

By the time she realized that Celestia had come to a complete stop, Pinkie no longer had any control over her speed. Her chase ended abruptly when her face smashed into the hardest substance known to ponykind: Princess Celestia's flank.

Her vision wobbled and divided into many images as the shock of the impact reverberated through her body. Pinkie vaguely became aware of the princess looking back at her and smiling cheekily.

"Oh my, I did not see you there. If you insist, worshipping hours do not begin until midnight, at my office. Though I do not blame you for wanting to start early."

While Pinkie reeled, the princess took off again. There was nothing for her to do but recover and try to get her target back in sight.

*****

"This is Bravo Llama Alpha Maribelle, do you have a visual Flying Sierra?" barked Iron Will on his radio as he trekked through the thickest part of the forest.

"I'm uhh... I'm actually right here," said Soarin as he alit in the brush beside Fancypants.

"Well yeah, you are, Iron Will just..." Iron Will fidgeted as Soarin waited for a reply. "Iron Will likes using the radio better, y'know?"

Soarin sighed and spoke into his radio. "Just got back from the run 'Maribelle.' Caught a glimpse of red and then retreated as ordered. It had to be Big Mac. Enemy is en route to a defensive location at coordinates 111, 47 NW."

Iron Will nodded and hefted up a light anti-tank paint gun in both hands. "Good. After your scout's made a pass, PUT A CAP IN THEIR—"

*****

On the other side of the clearing, Spike lowered a pair of binoculars. "Soarin landed," he reported.

Shining Armor nodded, his glowing horn fading to its normal hue. "My tracer spell is complete. I've got them pinpointed, and it looks like they just started moving. Ready Big Mac?"

"Eeyup," said Big Mac as he hefted a long barrel paint-shotgun in both hooves.

The two teams set out on a course to intercept each other, their eyes alert and their nerves high. When they were no more than ten meters from clashing, both opposing teams spotted a bright pastel color moving out in the open.

There is a split in between the time the primitive mind processes danger, and the rational mind can analyze it. In that moment, each soldier heard a voice in their transmitters.

"Fire," said that regal female voice.

And in the next moment, Pinkie Pie was obliterated.

*****

Without any real warning, Pinkie Pie's search for Princess Celestia was interrupted when she found herself being splattered with all manner of prismatic, high-velocity glop.

"All players, hold fire!" with all the paint in her eye, Pinkie couldn't see where the rumbling voice had come from.

"We've got a civilian in the theatre."

"Pinkie! Are you okay?"

Then the air grew warm and she felt a large presence land nearby. Pinkie wiped the paint from her eye so she could see again, and found herself facing Princess Celestia.

"Pinkie Pie," said the princess, "if you want to play with the boys, you really need the proper protection." She nodded towards the assembled teams, whose members were wearing protective visors and thick vests.

Celestia's horn began to glow and a white towel materialized into existence, which she offered to the splattered pony.

Pinkie brought the towel up to her face and dragged it along her snout and brow. She immediately felt a thick residue fixing itself on her coat. When she turned, confused, back to the princess, Celestia offered a mirror to the earth pony.

Her face was covered in white, gooey bleach. Celestia could no longer contain her giggles and simply let them loose. Not to be outdone, Pinkie quickly joined in on the laughter.

As soon as Celestia's guard was down, Pinkie threw the bleach-soaked towel directly into the royal's face. It had no effect on the princess's pure white coat, but she took the assault in stride and simply laughed harder.

"Princess," said Pinkie as they wound down. "I need to speak to you about something very important. Also, I need a shower."

Celestia nodded calmly as she withdrew the last of her mirth into herself. "See to your shower first, Pinkie Pie. When you finish I shall be in my office."

*****

The princess's office had become covered with books since Pinkie's last visit. Their disorganized stacks formed a labyrinth through the room, but none managed to eclipse Celestia's tall and majestic form behind her desk.

Pinkie leapt over several piles of books in her attempt to reach the desk as quickly as possible. She had managed to remove the paint covering her body, but the bleach had washed the pink on her face into a discolored grey.

"So," said Celestia, setting aside a thick and untitled tome. "I understand you wish to speak with me about something."

"Yep," said Pinkie, barely able to form spaces between her words. "I need the ultimate cosmic power over reality itself!"

"I see," said Celestia, unfazed at the request. Slowly, she began to grin. "Perhaps you need to give Rainbow Dash another chase? Or does somepony need to learn about the importance of keeping promises?"

"Oh no," said Pinkie, barely able to keep the hysteria from her voice. "This time it's serious! You see, I need to get all my friends together and—"

Celestia silenced Pinkie with a delicate raise of her hoof. "Pinkie, I need no explanation for what you plan to do with your untold power. Just do nothing with it that I would not."

Celestia's horn began to glow, and Pinkie was greeted with the familiar sensation of incredible might. Once again reality itself would be forced to lower its head and become Pinkie's brood mare.

Pinkie leapt behind a narrow stack of books and vanished entirely. In another moment her head lowered from... not the ceiling, but something. Any attempts to look up to see what her body was suspended from forced her eyes to slide away, blurring her vision and muddling her thoughts.

She looked at Celestia in the eye from her upside-down position, their faces inches apart. "Great," she chirped. "Looks like it's working perfectly!"

She reached over to Celestia's mane and pulled out a disembodied blob of pink color, which she added to her own muzzle. The damage the bleach had done to her coat was now gone.  
Pinkie's face vanished back into whatever untold ethers that contained her, and in another moment she emerged from behind the desk where Celestia sat, her arrival heralded by a disembodied warp sound.

"Then it appears as though you are all set," said Celestia warmly. "Off you go, and do not be shy about asking if your powers should wane again. Teehee!"

"Thanks! See ya later, princessgator!" Remembering her ultimate purpose, Pinkie darted out of the office.

With Pinkie gone, Twilight emerged from the clutter, levitating a book in front of her face. She looked up at Celestia.

"Was that Pinkie Pie?"

"Indeed it was Twilight Sparkle."

"What were the two of you talking about?"

"Wonderful news in fact. You see, Pinkie Pie wanted to let me know that the therapy has done its job and she is ready to identify herself as a heterosexual! Are you as proud of her as I am?"

*****

Pinkie found Rainbow Dash in the showers, watching the water splash against the acrylic floor. As she approached, she felt stray flecks of cold liquid speckling her face. Only after Pinkie had reached up and switched the faucet off did Rainbow react to her presence.

Eventually Rainbow looked up and met Pinkie's gaze. "Hey Pinkie," she said softly. "Was just takin' a shower."

"You could catch a cold that way," said Pinkie. "And then you'd miss out on all the fun we're having at camp!"

"Didn't notice the hot water had run out," said Rainbow as she watched the last of the liquid trickle down the drain. "Can I talk to you about something serious?"  
"Ooh, serious? Me first, me first! See, you're all my special friends, but I've always thought you were my extra special friend, and I didn't even know it for the longest time until that one time when Gilda came to Ponyville and took up all of your time, so like then I realized that I wanted you all for myself and I was jealous because I'm actually in love with you!"

Rainbow Dash didn't seem to hear. It quickly occurred to Pinkie that she had been talking too fast.

"You've got to keep this a secret Pinkie. If you tell anyone, it's going to wreck me."

Straightening up, Pinkie mimed zipping her mouth closed, then locking it, and then building two structures, putting the imaginary key in one of them, and then furiously writing.

"What's that mean?"

"Well duh! First I zipped my mouth shut and locked it, then I built a mysterious underground bunker with no apparent purpose and maximum security, letting young ponies and daredevils attempt to infiltrate it without success for decades, while simultaneously leaking information to conspiracy theorists and fringe cultists about the location and origins of the key so that when they reported their findings mainstream society would discount them without question. And the whole time the key was really just in a security deposit box in a bank in canterlot, where no one ever suspected! Uhh... isn't that what you do when you want to hide something?"

"Usually I just toss it in the back of my closet or something."

"Woah, good idea! I'm gonna try that next time!"

Rainbow scraped the floor with her hoof. "I think uhh... I think Princess Celestia turned me straight."

Pinkie laughed. "Oh silly, don't worry about that. She's just messin' around with us."

Rainbow Dash leapt forward and seized Pinkie, eyes wild. "That's what I thought at first too. There was no way I was buying all those horseapples coming out of her mouth. But this place... it must have changed me somehow. I... kissed Soarin."

"A lot?"

Rainbow's cheeks flushed. "Yeah, a lot. I don't even know what came over me! One moment I felt his sleek, toned, stallion body pressed against mine, and our sweat was mingling and the whole thing was totally disgusting, and then all the sudden I felt all hot and before I even knew what was happening I was totally kissing him. I think I would have even gone farther, but I had mentioned that I had a marefriend so he stopped me."

"So, is he going to be your special somepony now?"

"Wh- no! I've got to talk to Fluttershy, somehow I've got to find the words that- agh, who am I kidding?! There are no words. I've got to handle this without her, keep her from getting hurt. Maybe I can find some unicorn in Canterlot to break whatever spell is on me."

"We could just make out," said Pinkie.

Rainbow stared deadpan at the earth pony.

"You know, remember that one time when we forgot our friendships and everything that made us happy, and Twilight used that memory spell that didn't really cure us, but reminded us of all the happy times we had together and let us break the curse on our own."

"Yeah but, the problem isn't with me forgetting how awesome I—"

"Well, if we kissed a bunch and got all romancy-wancy then maybe it would help remind you how much you like being a lesbian and break the curse you're under!"

Rainbow turned away and sighed.

"I think it's our best option," she said when she spoke at last.

*****

Pinkie found Applejack in the kitchen of their boardings, making sandwiches with mechanical efficiency and heaping them onto a plate. The cowpony hummed a little tune as she worked.

"Help yourself to some vittles," she said without turning around to look at Pinkie. "All ah ask is that ya take 'em outside for a picnic, I don't want you gettin' crumbs everywhere, bein' that I'll be the one cleanin' 'em up."

"Actually Applejack, I'm not hungry," said Pinkie.

Applejack paused as she stacked lettuce atop bread, but only for a moment. She resumed the task, and after she completed the sandwich she set aside her spreading knife and placed the rest of the ingredients in storage. "Get that pitcher," she said, glancing at a clear jug filled with lemonade on the counter. She grabbed the plate of sandwiches and carried them to the living room, placing them on the table where the others would be sure to find them.

Pinkie followed along with the jug's handle in her mouth, and set it beside the plate.

Applejack nodded towards the sandwiches. "Ah reckon even Rainbow can fix somethin' up if this ain't enough for everyone. So, not hungry? That means it's important, huh?"

Pinkie nodded.

"Alright, spill it."

"Well Applejack, I've always admired you as a pony—"

"Nope."

"Applejack?"

"Nope, I ain't gonna lend you money. It ain't my call to make, Big Mac's the only one in our family who's delved into the unknowable arcana known as 'interest rates.' Ya gotta go through him."

"It's not about money, but that might be a good way to pay for Gummy's dental operation now that you mention it."

"What's he need a dental operation for? Your gator don't have teeth."

"Yeah, turns out that's considered a terminal illness among large carnivorous reptiles. Who would have thought? But that's not what I need to talk to you about!"

"It ain't? Shoot. Sorry, that's just what most ponies want when they preempt an allegedly important talk with a compliment. Was just tryin' to save us both time. Why don't you start over?"

"Well Applejack, I've always admired you as a pony. You're strong, dependable, and pretty much the exact opposite of a silly-filly like me! And you're all my best friends, but with me and you I always wondered if 'we' could be something more. I wondered if you would ever want to be my special somepony."

Applejack opened her mouth but said nothing.

Pinkie leaned in. "Is this the part where we kiss?"

Applejack jerked back and shook her head. "No! I mean... shucks, hear me out."

She took a deep breath. "First of all, yer timin' ain't so great. I've got this... thing I don't rightly have a label for with Rarity. And ah ain't even gay, it just started when I wanted some practice with kissin' and she offered to help. But sometimes ah think ya just meet a mare and it doesn't matter who ya are, because you'll just fall for her. That's true of her, and that's true of how I feel about you Pinkie. You're gorgeous, you liven up each of my days every day, and I'm awfully fond of ya."

"So do we kiss now?"

"Hold on a sec! Whatever happens between us, ah still love her. Can ya even deal with that?"

Pinkie thought about it for a moment, but no longer. "Yep," she said, and leaned towards Applejack, who stopped her with a hoof.

"Hey," said Pinkie, pulling Applejack's hoof down. "Why don't we bring her in on this? We can be Rarijack Pie!"

Applejack chuckled and shook her head. "Ah don't think she'd care much for that idea. And the truth is, she got here first. So... I gotta put her first. But I can't give her what she wants from me, even with you out of the picture. So what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna tie things up with her, and maybe it'll take a few weeks, or even a few months, and if you're still interested by then, you can just let me know."

"But I wanna kiss and be your special somepony and have fun and parties!"

"If you want it badly enough, you're just gonna have to wait for it."

"Can we at least date in the meantime?"

"Pinkie—"

"We can have a friend date! Isn't it alright if we're just friends?"

"I guess."

"Tonight by the river?"

"No kissing?"  
"Okie-smokey! Since it's just a friend date, can I invite the others?"

*****

Pinkie spotted Fluttershy near the cabin, talking to somepony. She turned her head around, looking at the rest of the glade. There wasn't anypony else there.

The conversation grew audible as Pinkie drew closer.

"Oh my Mr. Bluejay. I hope he didn't get too upset."

The bird in question threw his wings up in frustration, and rattled out a staccato whistle.

Fluttershy threw some more seeds onto the ground. "Goodness! Is he alright?"

"Did you want to feed the birds too, Pinkie?"

"Sure, and there's something I wanted to talk about."

"Of course, I'm listening."

"I like you."

Fluttershy froze. "I... like you too Pinkie. You're a wonderful friend, and I'm always grateful to have you..."

"Great! So will you be my special somepony?"

Fluttershy's hoof stilled and her bag of seeds lie forgotten. The birds, the clearing, the pegasus; All grew still.

Pinkie's tail shook with anticipation. "Because I've always felt like we might have something special Fluttershy. You're so kind and sweet, and you make my heart all fluttery-wuttery! And I want to know if you feel the same way, and if so, then maybe we can be marefriends!"

Fluttershy looked away. "If I said yes, would it make you happy?"

"It would make me super-duper happy!"

"Then yes."

"Yippy!" Pinkie pounced and squeezed Fluttershy in a big hug. She felt her friend rub softly against her.

"I guess it's for the best," said Fluttershy staring at the ground. "I've been trying so hard to make Rainbow happy, but nothing I do is good enough. So if I can just make you happy, then that's alright."

"How many times should we go on dates?"

Pinkie heard Fluttershy's hoof dragging across the ground. "Twice a month?"

"How about twice a week? What do you want your pet name to be?"

"Um—"

"Flutter-wutters! It's so sappy it's perfect!"

"Yeah..."

"What's my pet name going to be?"

"Can I get back to you—?"

"Princess Gloomdread the third! I love it!"

"What—"

"But be sure to come up with a new one every day. Don't worry, you're doing great so far." Pinkie reached out and gave fluttershy's pale cheeks a squeeze.

"...Thanks."

"Our first date can be a picnic by the riverside! Oh, unless you want to do something else! I've heard that the two most important things in a relationship are communication and compromise!"

"...A Picnic sounds...nice."

"Yippee!" Pinkie shoved Fluttershy away and leapt into the air. "Compromise is fun and easy!" she cried.

*****

The mirror's surface contained the most beautiful mare Pinkie's eyes had ever laid eyes on.

Trapped within the full-body mirror stood Rarity, running a comb through her gleaming mane. At the same time, the unicorn's perfect lashes curled from each tease of the eyelash separator. The mascara brush floated nearby, awaiting its turn to paint her eyelids the color of tulips.

The tools hovered about the alabaster reflection with surgical precision, sculpting perfection.

Her thoughts poured like a torrent through her brain and dashed themselves against her mouth again and again, eager to form into words and find Rarity's ears. To do anything but heap praise and devotion upon the flawless unicorn was unthinkable.

"Rarity..." she breathed. She couldn't manage another word.

With her magic, Rarity ran a comb through her gleaming mane. At the same time the unicorn's eyelash separator was just finishing its work, leaving her lashes plumped and ready for the mascara brush to swoop in and do its job.

Pinkie's eyes, beyond her own volition, drifted down Rarity's sleek barrel and along her svelte flank, eyes resting at her dock where her expertly curled tail lay. Pinkie spent a moment taking in the view before reluctantly dragging her vision back to Rarity's large eyes where she found only indifference. In another moment Rarity returned her focus completely to the task at hand, and Pinkie could not find her reflection in those cerulean eyes.

"You were saying...?" said Rarity, long after the silence had become awkward.

The dam broke.

"I was just saying that I've always admired you Rarity, even if we're really different from each other. And wow, are we ever! I mean you're absolutely gorgeous; I know no one would say it to my face but I'm kind of a plainy Jany! But it's the inside that I find the most beautiful. You're so giving and caring of others, not to mention sophisticated!"

"I'm not going to—"

"It's not about money! I want you to be my very special—"

"Pinkie..."

"Somepony. Oh gee, I don't even know if you like mares, but I already feel like you've captured my heart! You're like the white mare of my dreams, the diamond of my eye, and if you feel the same way, even a little—"

"Pinkie!"

"Then I hope you can find it somewhere in your heart to just give us a chance! Even if it's only one date!"

"Pinkie Pie, I—"

"And if you do give us a chance, we should start with two dates a week. Don't worry your pretty little head, we can always work our way up to a date every single day. And Pinkie Pie-eye will do for today, but if in the future you could put a teeny-weeny bit more effort into my pet names, that'd be great! Oh, and since dressmaking's your thing, my measurements are—"

"I already know your measurements but—"

—but expect the flank to get wider in the future, I'm a growing girl! Cider season is coming up and Applejack promised me lots of apple cupcakes. They're just like regular cupcakes, but with apples. We should name one of our foals after an apple! Like Big Macintosh— No wait! That's already taken. On the other hand, if we have any fillies, I'd like to name them after our friends but if they're colts—"

"PINKIE PIE!"

Pinkie Pie blinked. Rarity had set aside her facial products and was staring intently into the earth ponies eyes.

"Don't shout!" shouted Pinkie, her own eyes peeled wide. "Remember, communication is the most important part of a relationship!"

"Pinkie, I diet."

The chill did not crawl through Pinkie's bones. It bounded. "You diet... once in a while?"

"As a matter of fact, I am dieting right now."

Pinkie's eyes ran over Rarity's body again as her heart quickened. Her barrel was narrow indeed. As Rarity shifted her weight Pinkie Pie could have sworn that she had glimpsed a bit of rib. She studied Rarity's snow white flank. Svelte didn't seem an appropriate term for it any longer. Bony was much more fitting.

Pinkie briefly considered breaking out into laughter, and then decided it wouldn't help.

"Wow... that was super-silly of me! Hey, I've got an idea. Could you be a pal and very quickly forget everything I just said? Because I don't think we'd work together at all, ha ha..."

"Pinkie," said Rarity warmly, "I'm very flattered that you thought of me in that way... for all of fifteen seconds, but I think the two of us work just marvelously as friends." She pulled Pinkie's shoulders into a warm embrace only to retreat when Pinkie's muscles stiffened beneath her hooves.

"What's the matter darling?"

"Diet cooties.." whispered Pinkie.

"Those aren't real. They're probably something you made up on the spot."

Pinkie pressed her snout against Rarity's and their eyes very nearly touched. "That's never been proven," she hissed.

*****

As Pinkie doubled back to the office, Twilight and Princess Celestia had just walked out the door. She hailed the two and bounded over.

"So in the end," said Celestia, "it was fortunate indeed that I had ratified and in part rejected Starswirl's law of temporal immutability before Discord's arrival. And that's the story of how Luna became a mare."

"That is... absolutely fascinating," said Twilight before she spoke to Pinkie Pie. "Oh, Pinkie Pie. You sure weren't gone long. Did you forget something?"

"Duh," said Pinkie with a cheerful snort. "I totally forgot that I needed to tell you something super duper important Twilight!"

Celestia raised a brow and her ephemeral grin vanished. She stepped closer to Pinkie and lowered her voice. "Pinkie Pie, I hope you aren't planning on—"

"Don't worry," said Pinkie with full sincerity. "I won't do anything to Twilight that you wouldn't."

Twilight stepped closer as well. "Huh?" Nopony answered her.

Celestia continued to stare at Pinkie in silence, and then smiled again. "Something urgent has come up in Canterlot. Luna has already left for the city, and now I must follow. Until one of us returns I am leaving Twilight in charge."

Twilight nodded. "I"ll keep things under wraps, no problem."

Celestia gave Twilight's brow a little nuzzle, but to Pinkie it seemed there wasn't very much heart in it. And in another moment the princess spread her wings and was airborne.

"Thank goodness you're here," said Twilight when they were alone. "I know there was something you wanted to talk to me about... but can it wait? I actually need your help."

Pinkie thought about it for a moment and found no objection. "Sure it can wait, what do you need?"  
Twilight grinned. "Really? You're not just bursting to tell me everything right away? Well if you're sure..."

"It's fine, you go first!"

"I want to talk to my brother, can you help me sneak over to the boy's side?" She glanced down at her bare skin. "Can you get us costumes for this?"  
Pinkie was already wearing her spysuit. In her hooves she offered a spare suit fitted perfectly for Twilight.

"Great! Although black nylon isn't really what we need in the daytime."

Pinkie procured a green paint brush from her mane and colored each of their garments with a camouflage pattern in mere seconds.

"...Right. Let's go."

Being limited by the abilities of a mortal pony, it took Twilight a lot longer to change. Pinkie helped fit the sleek uniform around the pony's purple form, and then they headed off.

They took the open trail to the other side where rumor placed the male camp, frequently stopping to make use of cover. Pinkie took the lead, vanishing behind hoof-width trees and blinking over meters of open ground in microseconds. Twilight did her best, but did not have the ability to distort space and time. Furthermore, she was slightly less graceful.

When they arrived they found no one. Pinkie Pie mentioned the paintball game and so they concealed themselves and waited. Neither spoke in the meantime: Twilight was too intent on watching for the arrival of her brother, and Pinkie knew better than to make noise during a shadow operation.

Eventually their patience paid off and they heard the males filing back. Iron Will led from the front, his fur and protective armor splattered in paint. The rest were similarly abused.

"Hit the showers," said the minotaur and the group began to disperse.

"I've got to get his attention," murmured Twilight from Pinkie's left. The unicorn's horn glowed to life, and then shot a brilliant flare into the air.

Everypony turned to look.

"Oh no, everyone saw it!" hissed Twilight.

"I say what was that?" asked Fancypants.

"Iron Will isn't sure. Hang on, we'd better—"

"It's fine," said Shining Armor abruptly. "That's my sister's magic, I taught her that spell in case she ever got lost and needed my help."

"Oh," said Iron Will, relaxing. "So what, she's just—"

"Yeah, she's probably hiding in the bushes over here. Can I take care of this?"

"Of course! We'll be in the lounge when you're done."

While the others left, Shining Armor lifted Spike up with a bout of telekinesis and tossed the little dragon on his back. Then he trotted towards Pinkie and Twilight's vantage point.

"Twilight!" Spike leapt off Shining's back and gave Twilight a hug around the neck, receiving a nuzzle in turn.

"Hey, Twiley, what's up?" Shining Armor tussled his sister's mane.

"I haven't seen you since the wedding! Is your new life working out? I haven't even seen your new house."

Pinkie perked at that. "House-warming party?"

Shining Armor smiled sheepishly. "It's kind of old news now."

"Aww."

"Big brother," said Twilight, eyes wide and lips slightly curled. "What's going on? Why aren't you with your wife? Why are you here with that monster? What's going on with your marriage?"

Shining Armor raised a brow. "Cadence is fine. Iron Will's a decent guy."

"Yeah!" said Spike excitedly. "He lets me burp when we're watching the television!"

Twilight spun to Spike and gasped. "He what?!"

"I think his fragile innocence will find some way to survive," said Shining Armor.

"Right." Twilight, pulled the worried look away from her face. "I guess... the princess wasn't telling the truth after all. But why would she say those things? She told me you were gay and going to pony hell!"

Shining Armor looked aside, his gaze briefly assessing Pinkie before stopping on Spike. "Hit the showers bud."

"But I barely got the chance to visit with Twilight!"

"She'll be back tomorrow. Nothing's happening to her."  
"I guess so..." Spike shrugged it off and waddled away.

"Should I go too?" asked Pinkie.

"Oh not at all," said Shining Armor quickly. "I find in these situations it helps to have an off-the-wall, unfazeable pony nearby to lighten the mood and act as a calming influence." He smiled quickly at Pinkie before looking back at Twilight and clearing his throat. "I... thought you knew."

"Knew what?"

"That I was gay."

Twilight's lips trembled. Her eyes narrowed. And then a tear fell from her eye. "How could you? How could you possibly do this to her? To me?!"

Twilight turned and began to run away, lighting her horn even as she did. Her body began to fade as her teleportation progressed, but Shining Armor's own magic had a grip on her long before she could flash away. Abruptly a clear cube of force surrounded her, forcing her back into solid existence.

Twilight turned and glared at Shining Armor as the cube disappeared. "How dare you cancel my teleportation?" She tried again but this time Armor tackled her and forced her into the dirt.

"What's the big deal?" he asked between a gasp for air. "You're gay too!"

"That doesn't matter! I'm not living a lie in some sham marriage that's going to break your wife's heart and send you to pony hell!"

Slowly Shining Armor let her up. "She knows," he said taking a deep breath.

"You're lying," Twilight quietly said as she wiped at her eyes. "Why would she go through with it?"

"Let me put it—"

"Why," said Twilight speaking over him, "would she dedicate her entire life to propping up some coward who's too ashamed to just admit what he is?! Don't you think I've had to face hate and discrimination? I didn't like it, but I did face it!"

Pinkie watched the sibling's emotions escalate with ever growing horror. Abruptly she recalled the reason she had been asked to stay. Slipping through the bonds of space, she popped up between the two and looped her forelegs around both their shoulders.

"Hey Shiny," she said.

Shining Armor blinked. "Uhh... what is it Pinkie?"

"How am I doing as a calming influence? Do I need to step it up a notch?"

A snort escaped Shining Armor despite the stallion's best attempts to hold it back. Even Twilight grinned briefly before slaying it.

"You're doing just fine," he said. Then he looked at Twilight and frowned. "This is for her benefit Twilight, not mine."

"What does—"

"Hear me out for five seconds! Princess Cadence is a matchmaker. She lives for it. She helps lovers reconcile, parents bond with their children, foals and adults make best friends, and the only reason she does it is because she wants to see other ponies smile."

Shining Armor paused and took a breath, as if daring Twilight to interrupt. She didn't.

"She's a beautiful mare, and all the time, sometimes several times a day, ponies ask her out to breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, walks in the park. And she turns them down. She says she can't give them what they want from her. The only love she needs for herself is the love of friendship and family. But she's had to crush them every time. More mares and stallions than she can count. And every time she does it, her own heart breaks.

"So I suggested the arrangement. She was worried about tying me down at first, but in all honesty, I'm already married to my uniform. I'm not giving up all that much. Maybe one day one of our situations will change and we'll have to rethink this, but I don't see it happening anytime soon."

Twilight blinked a few times and sat on her haunches. "But... that time you beat Chrysalis..."

"Yeah? You saved Equestria through the love you had for five mares that you had barely known for a day. I had an advantage, I've known Princess Cadence for much longer than that." Shining Armor got a goofy grin on his face. "And, heh, sorry to sound sappy but I think I love her more than I could ever love another stallion."

"And on your wedding night..."

"We baked brownies and watched Mill and Race."

"Oh. I..." Twilight was crying again. "I can't believe I thought the worst of you."

Shining lay his neck atop Twilight's and calmed her down. "Shh, listen Twilight. I know it's weird. I don't even expect you to understand all of it at once. But if you take anything out of this at all, then let it be this: There are a lot of ponies in this world. Your mind is so organized and analytical, and you want to figure everyone out. But there are things you haven't yet gotten. You don't understand everything about me. And you don't understand everything about Princess Celestia either."

"What do you mean?" Twilight said in a hushed voice.

"You think I'm going to pony hell?"  
Twilight looked away "No, I don't. Princess Celestia told me you were though, so I must be wrong."

"When you come across a new fact, didn't she teach you to verify it independently of the source whenever possible?"

"Of course. But I'm not just going to go against her!"

"Loyalty is a commendable trait. But you're falling into an old habit Twilight. I never tried to hide who I was from you. But you insisted on seeing me as some knightly prince destined to sweep the princess off her feet. There's more to me than that. You keep looking at ponies and seeing what you want. Honestly, it's one of your more endearing traits. But sometimes it keeps you from seeing what you need to see."

Twilight said nothing.

"Think about it. Listen," he looked over his paint-stained fur. "I'd like to hit the showers. Catch you later?"

"Sure." Twilight gave her brother a peck on the cheek and he left.

Twilight and Pinkie began the journey back to their camp, not speaking until they were back on the path.

"Thanks for being here with me," she said at last. "I wish you hadn't seen us fight but... it was better than having to face him alone, oddly enough."

Pinkie wondered if now was a good time to confess her feelings. Surely there wasn't a bad time to confess them, but even she felt this was an awkward segue.

"Hey," said Twilight glancing over at her. "I forgot in all the excitement that you wanted to tell me something."

That was all the invitation Pinkie Pie needed. "I want to be your special somepony," she said cheerfully.

Twilight stopped and stared at her. "Huh?"

"I don't just love you," she said, looking Twilight in the eye. "I'm in love with you!"

"I had no idea," said Twilight, mouth hanging open. "I mean I thought when you kissed Fluttershy—"

"I was thinking of you when I kissed her!" That was true. She was thinking of Twilight, and Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. And whether or not Fluttershy's tongue tasted more like bananas or caramel.

Twilight flushed immediately. "R-really? I've never really thought of you in that way."

Pinkie Pie grinned from ear to ear. "So can we date? Please?"

Twilight looked away. "I've been carrying a torch for Princess Celestia as long as I can remember."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And if this keeps up, I have a feeling I'm going to die alone. I've thought about what Shining Armor told me. There are so many different kinds of love. And all I've been doing is holding on to a foal's dream with fantasies about the princess. She's my teacher, and I will always be her student. And that's a beautiful thing. I'm done wasting away hoping to change our relationship into something that it's not."

Pinkie Pie felt Twilight's flank and shoulder brushing against hers. "It's too early to say if I can feel the same way about you, Pinkie Pie. But I think I owe it to both of us to give you a chance. So we'll... see how this goes?" Twilight giggled. "I've never gone out with another pony before. You'll have to tell me what you want to do."

******

"Watch this!" cried Dash as she did a forward flip in the air followed by a perfect loop.

"That's great Dashie, do it again!" Pinkie squealed and clapped her hooves.

Dash however squinted off into the distance and then landed by Pinkie's side. "Uhh... Pinkie Pie? I thought I saw something really weird over that hill. It looked like a mare who looks just like you with her arms around—"

"Applejack? Are you okay?" asked Pinkie.

"Ah'm fine sugarcube, head's just a bit muddled is all."

They trotted along in silence until the riverbed drew near. "One thing I am concerned about is Dash and—"

"Fluttershy? You're not talking very much," said Pinkie, leaning over and giving the pegasus's neck a nuzzle as they stood up.

"Sorry Pinkie. I guess I'm just worried that we haven't seen very much of—"

"Twilight!" called Rarity as she galloped over to Pinkie and her new girlfriend. "There you are, thank goodness! I don't mean to alarm you, but a few hours ago I was talking with Pinkie Pie and I just realized that what she told me really should have set off more of a warning—"

Twilight wasn't looking at her. She was looking at Applejack, who was walking down the riverside with Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy, who was also walking towards them in the opposite direction with Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash, who was peeking up from a tall bed of grass where she was just kissing Pinkie Pie.

"Surprise!" said Pinkie Pie beside Twilight.

"Oh sweet Celestia," whispered Rarity. "I'm too late."

They all gathered together, looking at Pinkie Pie's various incarnations. Pinkie realized that she was the only one smiling. Didn't they understand?

Pinkie Pie pulled her chart out of nowhere. "See, I just realized that with Fluttershy and Dashie together, and the rest too, I was the only one left out! But you girls are my best friends and I know you'd never want to leave me out on purpose, so I—"

"So ya what," said Applejack, voice thick and fierce. "Just told me whatever ya please?"

"Umm, Applejack," murmured Fluttershy, stepping away from her Pinkie Pie and towards Pinkie Pie. "I don't think—"  
"Not now Shy!" Applejack choked back a sob. "I gotta be somewhere else right now." Applejack kicked off to a gallop and ran up the incline leading back to the camp.

"Wait," whispered Fluttershy.

Pinkie Pie felt her shoulders going numb. What was Applejack angry about? Didn't she want to be friends anymore? She wanted to run after her to find out what the problem was, but hesitated in fear of what else her orange friend might say.

"Girls," she said weakly. "Why is she—"

Rainbow Dash was in her face in an instant. "What the hay were you doing with Fluttershy anyway? I thought I could trust you."

Dashie was angry. Too angry. Pinkie closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to see. Her space-distortion doubles faded away without the cheer and positive energy she needed to ignore the natural laws that said such things were impossible. Even with her eyes closed she could still hear her friends voices, speaking all at once.

"Pinkie Pie, am I to understand that you were," Rarity cleared her throat, "two-timing our friends? I should hardly have to explain to you how unacceptable such behavior is."

Pinkie folded all four of her legs beneath her, trying to shrink into nothing.

"And what have I told you about the superposition principle? It only applies to electrons! Ponies can't exist in more than one place at a time!"

"I was counting on you to help me out of a bind, and then you go and—"

"STOP IT! CAN'T YOU SEE SHE DOESN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE DID WRONG?"

Everyone stopped. Pinkie opened one eye to see who had spoken. It was Fluttershy.

"Actually," said Twilight. "I really don't understand what she did either. I mean not even a unicorn spell can allow a pony to exist in four—"

"Twilight..."

"Not what you meant. Sorry!"

"What I mean," Fluttershy said as Pinkie felt her wing falling over her back, "Is that I think it would be more productive if you maybe just explained to her how she upset you and why she shouldn't do that anymore. If you feel like it."

Pinkie felt a soft snout brushing against her closed eyes, wiping away the tears that were forming. "There there," cooed Fluttershy. "Your friends didn't mean to scare you."

Pinkie felt a separate pair of hooves around her back. Then a second set, and almost immediately a third.

"We're sorry we overreacted," said Twilight. "Let's go back to the dorm and discuss this."

"Where's Applejack?" said Pinkie, finally gaining the nerve to speak. "I don't want to lose her as a friend forever."

"You won't," said Rainbow Dash, giving Pinkie's head a rub. "She just needs a chance to cool down and understand what happened."

"I'll track her down," said Rarity, and galloped off.

The rest of the group began the walk back to the lodging house. Pinkie stuck close to Fluttershy, under the comfort of her warm wing.

"Fluttershy," said Rainbow Dash abruptly. She sounded like she was trying not to choke. "I cheated on you."

"Umm... yes, I know. So did I. I'm awfully sorry about that..."

"Not that," said Rainbow Dash. "Yesterday afternoon I met up with Soarin. I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing, I just kissed him."

It took Fluttershy a while to reply. "I'm sorry," she said at last.

"Fluttershy? No, I'm the one that needs to apologize!"

Fluttershy shook her head. "You're the Element of Loyalty. I know you would have never done that if I wasn't such a terrible girlfriend. I'll try harder if you're still interested Rainbow Dash. And if you're not, that's okay too."

"It's not you," said Dash, biting her lip.

Fluttershy had no response.

When they arrived at the cabin a tea kettle was already whistling out a jet of steam. As Pinkie took a seat on a wool blanket and waited, Twilight removed the boiling water from the heat and floated out six cups and accompanying bags of orange spice.

"What have I done," the purple unicorn moaned out loud as she prepared the mixtures. "My heart belongs to the princess, how could I have given up so easily?"

The door opened, and they were joined by Rarity and Applejack. The latter sat across from Pinkie on her own blanket. Twilight was the last one to join the circle, after serving everyone.

No one spoke for several moments, waiting for their drinks to cool and sipping them experimentally. Pinkie's eyes wandered to each of her friends. None of them were paying any particular attention to her. None of them were smiling.

Pinkie realized that she liked them better when they were all shouting at her. She became aware of a growing weariness.

"Alright," said Rarity breaking the silence. "Applejack would like to explain why she feels upset. Is that okay Pinkie?"

Pinkie took a long drink and nodded.

"Good," said Rarity, stacking her own empty cup with the others and setting them aside. "Whenever you're ready Applejack."

Applejack took a quick swig of her drink. "Pinkie," she said very calmly.  
"Yes Applejack?"

"Ah think somepony drugged the tea."

"Oh wow, you're right..." Pinkie managed before she slumped to the ground and allowed sleep to subdue her.


End file.
